Wild Girl ✔️

chapter 26: mark

Sebastian

I started to count the passing of time by how long my hair had gotten. It now hung just past my chin and I figured it was nearly January. Or maybe mid-December. I stopped keeping track of the days some time after August when she left.

The inn was deserted. With a thick layer of snow on the ground and the forest slick with ice, no one wanted to stay here. Once the summer heat faded and all the flowers died, I was usually the only person in these cabins. The hot water barely worked anymore, but I had gotten used to the cold.

I spent the days after she left pretending that I was okay. I sat by the phone, hoping every time it rang it would be Rose's voice on the other end. She never called. I sat on the porch, under her yellow roof, to try to feel closer to her. I imagined she was beside me still, the two of us locked up here for the winter.

On my lowest of days I found myself wishing Violet would appear, just so I had someone to talk to. It was pathetic, I knew that. But I was slowly spiralling back into the man I was when Violet died, when it felt like my body was made up of shadows and dark corners, like my heart had hardened into stone. 

Now, I just needed something to hold onto.

When I laid in bed at night, I wondered how I managed to let them both slip away. Rose wasn't dead, but she was still gone. And knowing she was somewhere out there, living without me, made it harder.

The heat from the mug in my hands fogged up the kitchen window and I brushed it aside, clearing a patch of glass. The yellow roof of Rose's cabin was beginning to fade, chipping away from the cold winds. If you looked close into the snow surrounding it, there were specks of yellow mixed with the white. 

I hadn't stepped foot in in her cabin since she left. Not once. I sat on the porch, sure, but I could never go any further inside. I was scared it would hurt too much. 

God, I still loved her.

Before I could tell myself that this was a very bad idea, I tugged on boots, a jacket and a hat and trudged into the snow. The wind hit me first, biting at my cheeks. I tilted my head down, for once thankful that my hair covered my neck.

By the time I was on Rose's old porch, my frozen fingers were fumbling to unlock the door. It took a minute until I pushed it open, heat hitting me as I stepped inside. I froze, my eyes traveling around the space, hundreds of memories hitting me all at once. I saw Rose in her dress, cooking for me at the stove; laying on the couch, naked, arm hanging off the side; standing at the window, gazing out, eyes hiding secrets.

I shook the snow out of my hair as I tugged off my boots. I knew this was a bad idea. After Violet died, I spent days in her apartments, trying to surround myself with pieces of her until it didn't hurt so much.

Standing in Rose's cabin felt vaguely similar.

I don't know what I expected or why I even came here, but as I walked through the rooms, my eyes kept searching for something. Some part of her she had left behind by mistake that I could hold onto.

Every room was empty except for the furniture. I felt like a madman: opening drawers, checking closets, looking behind dressers. I was searching for something I knew wasn't there, but that didn't stop me. I needed to find one trace of her to convince myself that she was real. That I hadn't dreamed her up like I did Violet.

That's what it was beginning to feel like. That's what scared me the most. What if it all never happened? If Rose, like Violet, only lived in my head? It was possible, I was pretty sure I was fucking crazy. And I dreamed up one girlfriend before, so why not another?