From your dying sister...

Letter

6th January 2011

(Letter)

Did you know that a crocodile cannot sneeze?

I have a friend, Jacob, who comes out with all these silly little facts all the time. You get on so well with Jacob now, I wonder if you'll even still know him when you watch this.

He's the only friend from school that stayed the same when I got ill. He comes and visits me almost every day, he tells me about the gossip at school but not in a way that makes me feel left out, in a way that makes me feel included. But we also talk about other things… like you, he's promised to look after you when I'm gone. He'll be your big brother for me; I'll feel better knowing you've got someone to look after you. He's helped me with your box. He's wonderful Lucy. Remind him for me when you watch this that I'm so so grateful for what he's done for this family. He walks into my hospital room with me drained and mum emotional and the nurses tired and in seconds he cheers us up. He literally brings the sun in with him. He's amazing.

I know this sounds like I'm in love with Jake, I'm not. He's like a brother to me, he's been there for me since the day I met him in year four. He'll look after you Luce. In a way I'm not worried about you, purely for the fact you'll have Jacob to be there for you. Mum and dad rely on him so much; they get him to come to all the doctor appointments and meetings. He sits there in the waiting room cheering everyone up and having the life squeezed out of his hand by mum. Until I come out with the news, good or bad. It's usually bad.

Me, you, mum and dad are the pieces if this family but Jacob is the glue. He keeps us together when it seems like we’re falling apart. There we are with the cheesy ‘Jake’s amazing’ stuff. But seriously, when you read this… give him a big hug and say thank you.

I was your age when I was diagnosed… which is sucky because I was old enough to be able to do normal things but not that I can remember. Of course I can remember snippets. I can remember walking through a park, laughing and stamping on leaves. And dad getting me an ice cream but saying I couldn’t tell mum or we would both get in trouble.

I can remember when I was 11 and mum said she was going to have you. I was so excited because I was so sick of being alone here. For some reason I naively expected you to burst from mum’s tummy walking, talking and everything. I was disappointed when I first saw you. You couldn’t walk or talk or anything. No you do nothing but talk.

I can also remember last year, you were 3 and I was in hospital. You and mum were staying the night and when mum was asleep you crept into my room and we watched nonstop Disney films for hours. The nurse who was on night duty even came in and watched beauty and the beast with us for a while. When you fell asleep I turned off the films and let you stay in with me for the night. Mum was furious when she found us the next day but that was definitely the best night of my life.

Good luck reading this, I’m crying so much it’ll be a surprise if you actually manage to read it. You’ve been a good little sister Luce. The best. Be good little one, but not too good that you forget to have fun. 

  Lots of love Martha xxx