From your dying sister...

Video message

January 4th 2011

(video message)

Lucy, it's me Martha. Your older sister? I... I decided to do this because well... I’m dying. I’ve labeled a box that says 'Lucy’s 16th birthday present.' It's just for you; mum and dad can't look in it. So far it's just photos and letters and stuff but I wanted you to hear my voice. I wanted you to know what I sounded like aged 16 talking to my baby sister. Well, your 4 really. But, that's not old enough to had lots of memories of me.

I have leukemia. I won't go into it much, it's not exciting and I've got more important thing to tell you. When... When I'm gone look after mum for me. She'll say she's okay but look out for her.

Luce, I'm scared. I'm scared I won’t see you grow up. Hell, I'm scared I won't grow up. I don't have much time left. I have till Christmas they said. If I was lucky.

Luck... It's very important when you've got a terrible disease. I hear that word so much. I hear it all the time. When you’re like me your life is ruled by luck. When you’re my age, your life will be ruled by boys... Or girls I suppose, if you swing that way, and make up. Maybe a little of school. I don't even have to go to school any more. I can picture you watching this; I bet you'll be jealous. What's the point in learning though if I'll be dead before I can put it to any use? I still have a teacher that comes 3 times a week but it's just to keep 'them' happy. I never found out who 'they' were. But mum and dad are always talking about 'them' and keeping 'them' happy.

I want you to do one thing for me. Can you do it? Can you do this one thing for your dead sister? Enjoy life. Take each moment by the hand and do not let go. Grab each chance of happiness and have fun. Fall in love. And then fall in love again. Break some hearts and mend some others. Tell people you love them. Be honest, be open, and be happy. Make mistakes. Get lost. Take a wrong turn in life. Learn things and go somewhere in life. Meet people, discover new places. Don't waste a second.  Enjoy every second of your life because you have to do it for me too. Can you do that?

Sometimes it's hard to think of the future because even in 5 years time I won't be there. But you will, and mum will and dad will. But not me. The Thomas family will still 'be' but just without me. I know I won't.

Part of the reason I'm doing is so you know. Mum and dad don't like telling you all this stuff now. Your only 4 so they only say 'Martha’s going away for a bit' or 'Martha’s a bit ill now'.  I wish that I could see you older. I want to see if you look like mum or dad. Or if you look like me. That's what I'm most sad about missing. You, your life. I don't know you very well now. You’re not a full person yet. And I'm going to miss you growing up, teasing you about your first period and your first boyfriend/girlfriend. That's what I regret most.

I've got a picture of my 16th birthday here, look... I look awful don't I? Big black bags under my eyes. I'm under weight and short for my age and I'm in a bad mood too. That's one thing I'm sure mum and dad won't miss, my temper. Oh I could throw a wonderful tantrum and sulk for days.

14th of November. Remember that for me please. When you turn 16 I would be 25. Imagine that. I'd be at uni in a big city; you could come to stay all the time. I would've liked that. I really would've. Do you think we would have got on? When we were older? I'm not sure, you annoy me now but...

Lucy, I love you. I do, you're the best little sister I could imagine. When I'm ill you come and visit me in hospital, you sit quiet and calm and at the end if visiting time you kiss me on the forehead and tell me that you love me.