From your dying sister...

Letter

11th January 2011

(letter)

I’ve been given the all clear for now… it was only a cold going round that had rendered me an invalid… again. You brought it back from school. But its okay, it kinda warned me about getting a move on with these ‘life messages’ letters. If I had died from that cold then all you would of got is me whining about Jason and having hay fever. That isn’t giving you important messages… that’s me being stupid.

But I’ll try to make them more helpful. For example, if you still live in this house when you get this I’ve left directions of how to get to the secret room (above the bathroom, try moving the pile of stuff against the wall in the attic, it probably will be still open.) I’ve left more things for you in there too. I’ve filled the walls with my artwork, I used to go in there to paint and I never let anyone ever see it. Though I’ve had to let Jake in on the secret so he can help you find it, or get the stuff out of there if you move.

An important lesson (number 1!!!) that I have learnt is that the only failure in life is the failure to try. In my rest from illness I was scared of going out my own room, I was so worried about screwing up because I’d missed some important part of growing up whilst I was in that hospital bed. So I stayed inside worrying about failing, that’s how I lost a load of friends… I failed them because I hadn’t tried.

I can remember one day a few weeks, before things got… really bad and we had gone to a cinema. I cant remember the film but some youngish boys, maybe 13, were laughing at my lack of hair. It was horrible, mum and dad had no idea how to react and I was so upset. But you just waddled up to them and shouted ‘My big sister is my hero! She is ill and she’s turned up here with her family. Have some respect!’ these boys were speechless. Me, mum and dad were crying with pride for you and shame at the situations and the boys came and apologised to us all. Thank you for that little one.

If I’m honest… I’m not ready to leave you. Any of you, not Mum, not Dad but especially not you. I’m going to miss out on so much.      

Also important lesson… Don’t be afraid to love. Im not going to go all cheesy and say it make the world goes round but it sure does make the ride worthwhile. It’s the little things that really make life worth living. Like watching the first snow fall in winter, feeling the warm little sister creep into my bed when she gets bad dreams… mine… because I make you feel safe. A butterfly landing on your outstretched finger and the wonderful wonderful moments of pure unexpected comedy. Me and you were watching ‘the proposal’ a while ago and you just looked up, nodded at Ryan Reynolds and said “I’d make him a sandwich”… genius. Its really beautiful, sad, funny moments like them that make all this pain worth it.

Most of my happiest memories are with you. Your first word was “Martha” which really annoyed mum and dad but made my day. You looked really constipated for a few moments and then you suddenly came out with “Martha” first try. It made me so happy. I think I cried.

Yes I did cry. I just went and found your baby photo album. There’s the picture of you smiling proudly and me crying my eyes out next to you. For the caption mum wrote “First word: Martha. Not Mum or Dad… Martha.” I think it annoyed her a little. I think ill enclose it with this letter so you know what I’m talking about.

There’s the picture of your first step in the album too, and first day of school, all your birthdays and Christmases. There’s that New Year party that I caught you drinking an unattended glass of mums wine… I didn’t tell anyone. Just so you know, I still haven’t. you cried and begged me not to. I couldn’t break that promise.

That’s a pretty good letter so I don’t feel in anyway guilty stopping now and anyway… I’m going to help you with your homework so I don’t think you can complain.

Lots of love Martha xxx