Above and Below

Communication Part 2

So when there is none left, and your mom has won, I'm not sure who will be left standing. Because  as much as I'd like to think I'm strong, this airplane isn't landing. We are crashing, hurting, burning. Churning in the waters for something better, even though the tides and tables are turning and hurting me so badly.. I am still worried. I am still scared of losing you. And I know you are too. It may not be your choice, and you have yet to stand and fight, raise your voice and deny her. And I don't expect you to. And I wish I could say I don't hold regret. But there is a small side of me pieced this way, and half my positivity is  deceased. I'm tired of the false hope of things possibly getting good, just to be taken away and I don't know how to cope. Because I am convinced you are good, and I winced at the thought of you leaving me again for hours. And you feel bad because you leave me hanging, and you try to heal whatever damage that causes. And nothing pauses that kind of pain. And as much as I am busy, I make time for you. But now it seems there isn't time for either of us. I don't want this to turn fake, and I want this to be real enough to touch and feel more than just text messages and finger tips. As much as I am falling in love with you, hauling every part of effort out of me, it hurts. Expected to be interested and not give in when it's too hard to breathe on my own, adding this to a toxic mix of me trying to fix every problem that I already own. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't think. Can't feel. Can't be strong. I want you but I don't know if I can keep this up for long. I want you but your mother has won.