Dearest Friend,
I make my way to the bathroom as my mom tries to talk to me about something that doesn't matter anymore. I lock the door behind me and begin to run the water in the tub. I do this everyday. I glance at myself in the mirror and i have to take a second look. Who is this stranger staring back at me? The one with the dark circles under their eyes. I look deeper and harder, but i just cant recognize them anymore.
I start to take off my clothes. I take note of every scar and cut as if noticing them could make them go away or save me. I stop the water since the tub is now full. I step in and the water feels so welcoming. Warm and serine. I sit down and lean back, sinking until my entire body is submerged. I keep my eyes open, completely aware of everything. I stay here for a while and lose track of time. I dont time myself because thats not the point. Im not training for the Olympics or trying to break a world record. Im trying to slow time down because maybe, just maybe it will stop moving all together. I feel my lungs start to burn as if theyre screaming for air, but i stay. I force myself to just take it. Its the only way to control it. To feel something deliberately. Intentionally. I dont want to leave the water, but i feel its not my time to go. Yet. I sit up quicker than i mean to. The world begins to spin as i gasp for air. I just want it to stop. I just want it all to stop.
Sometimes I wonder if I stay under long enough, by the time I come back up, everything will be different. Maybe Ill be happier. Maybe it will be gone forever, but every time i come up I can feel it seeping through every crack in my mind. Taking over. When Im under the water, it fades. Its no longer inside of me trying to take every piece of me away. I feel like someones sitting on my chest, attempting to block off all my airways. My chest gets so heavy I feel like i cant breathe.
It feels like Im drowning.
¨I cant swim any longer. I cant hold my breath. Ive been trying so hard but the waves are slowly pulling me under and I think I might let them.¨ - Unknown
