A/N so idek why I share this, but the song Choose You by Sara Bareilles just reminds me of hope. Like it reminds me of love. And I just think it's really beautiful.
{Shai}
On the way back home, driving in Theo's car, that smells like Dior Homme and sweat and laundry detergent and candy, I turn on the radio because I can't stand the silence and the emptiness. Choose You by Sara Bareilles plays softly, and I can feel the tears coming again. It reminds of the pain of Theo leaving. For war.
His voice rings in my mind.
Please stay strong, Shailene.
I try to take deep, steady breaths. My hands clench the steering wheel. I take another deep breath. I can stay strong. For him. For me. After I get into the apartment complex' parking, I decide not to take the bus home. I'll just stay at Theo's place. It shouldn't pain me, it should give me happy memories of a guy that filled my life.
I unlocked the door and stepped in. I took a deep breath. It smelled like his cologne and sweat and soap and scented candles. There were blankets lying on the brown leather couch, from my previous visits. The kitchen lights were on, shining fluorescent. There were sugar cookies on a plate on the black counter. There were rags lying around. I told myself once again to stay strong. I drop my keys on the table by the door, and threw my purse on the couch.
I went into Theo's bedroom. Mostly clean, but a lot of things lying around on his desk. His sweet scent filled my nostrils. I closed my eyes softly and took it all in. His made bed, with blue sheets. His cream walls, bare except for a few posters. I look in his closet and pull out one of his ratty old t-shirts. I take my dress off and slip the shirt on. His scent fills my head again, calming my nerves. The shirt goes just to the middle of my thighs. It's soft and gray and I love it.
I walked into the kitchen and threw some frozen pizza from Target in the oven. When it's done baking, I take the whole and eat in front of the TV. I flip through all the boring channels when I finally settle on a news channel. Might as well learn what's going on in the world.
An anchor speaks.
"There have been many recruits that have been drafted for the war. Officers still have not confirmed: Is this really World War III? Many of our soldiers will train for 12 weeks and then be sent to Ukraine. There have been straining issues there, and incredible amounts of violence."
I switch to another channel. I can't sit and listen to this crap. I couldn't handle it, not now. I end up watching a rerun of Spongebob and I chew my pepperoni pizza. After I finished, I washed the dishes and went and took a shower.
I used Theo's shampoo and soap. It calmed my head. I felt partially like I was going to throw up. But once his sweet smell filled my head, it definitely helped with the pain.
After my shower I started feeling drowsy. I made some tea and sat in Theo's bed. It smelled just like him and made tears prick my eyes. I laid down and pulled the covers up to my chin and I took a deep breath. My brain tried to calm.
I fell into a deep sleep, taking in Theo's scent, closing my eyes.
