TALKING TO THE MOON.

vii.

[ night nine — 1:24 am ]

I FINALLY TALKED TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU TODAY. Surprisingly it wasn't Morgan though, it was Tyler.

We had a long conversation, mostly talking about normal things, everyday things. Though of course, we did have the quick conversation about Alana. I wasn't surprised when he brought her up, but I was surprised that I didn't lose my shit. Talking to Tyler was better than I thought it would be. He told me the things I knew, but didn't want to admit.

It's okay. It's okay to miss her. It's okay to say her name. It's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh. It's okay to breath deeply. It's okay to smile when you think of her. It's okay to function. It's okay to have days where you can't function. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be thankful. It's okay to love again. It's okay to remember. It's okay to hope. It's okay to be honest. It's okay to trust again. It's okay.

I really needed to hear that because I've felt like if I move on, if I love again, if I function, I wouldn't be loyal to Alana. I wouldn't be the good boyfriend Alana had always said she loved and appreciated.

He also told me he had his own notion of grief. He thought it was the sad time that followed the death of someone you love. Tyler thought you had to push through it to get to the other side. But he learned that there is no other side. There is no pushing through, but there is absorption, adjustment, and acceptance. Tyler told me grief is not something you complete, but rather you endure. It is not a task you finish and then move on, but an element of yourself  — an alteration of your being. A new way of seeing a new definition of self.