Can You See Me/Can You Hear Me

Not The Person I Want To Be

Connor sat on the bench outside the school, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. His eyes were closed and his head was leaning against the brick wall. He couldn't help but think about what happened back in the hallway. The image of Hansen being helpless on the ground was burning into his eyes.

It was a spur of the moment type thing. He hadn't meant to hurt him, it just happened. Sure he was mad, but he wouldn't like people treating him like dirt. Or rather, dirtier dirt because people already do treat him that way. He wouldn't like the idea of having to be lead around the school. He's seen plenty of blind people in his life–alright, not many. But enough to know that they can get along fine in life without needing to be lead, either metaphorically or literally.

Connor flicked his cigarette, the ashes falling to the ground. He should probably go apologize. He dropped his cigarette and crushed it under his foot. He stood up, pulling the earbuds out of his ears. He liked the feeling of earbuds in his ears, even if he couldn't hear anything. He walked back into the school, skillfully avoiding the office. They saw him, but didn't do anything. They're too used to this to even care.

He walked over to where Evan was before. He was gone. Of course, he was probably in class.

You idiot, didn't you see the tears? He's obviously in a bathroom somewhere.

He was about to walk to the nearest bathroom when his foot connected with something. He looked down and saw Evan's white cane. He nearly tripped over it. He bent down and picked it up. He looked around and figured he wouldn't have gone to the bathrooms that are likely to be crowded–the ones by the classrooms and cafeteria. He was most likely in the one by the art room and gym.

Connor walked down the hall, passing the through the lockers to avoid being seen by teachers. Normally he wouldn't care, but if his response was that he was looking for the kid he was suppose to be looking after, that wouldn't settle well with them.

He approached the bathroom and pushed the door open. He let it slam shut behind him. He instantly noticed a hunched figure in the farthest corner. The blind boy had his sunglasses next to him. His knees were pulled up to his chest and his face was buried in his arms. His body shook with sobs.

Connor took a few tentative steps forward, not wanting to startle him. Apparently, his feet had another plans and decided to trip over a tile crack. He stumbled and held onto the wall to balance himself.

Evan jumped and looked up. "Hello?" he mumbled.

Connor kneeled down and tapped Hansen's shoulder. He tensed up. Connor pulled a hand away from his face and signed his name. Hansen seemed to relax a bit.

'I'm not good at apologies,' Connor said, 'so this probably won't sound sincere. But I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you. Well, I did but I didn't think you'd cry over it.' That wasn't true, but he couldn't have Hansen knowing that. He was supposedly a school shooter, he had to keep the image up otherwise people would tease him even more.

He could see the laughing already. Connor Murphy? Feelings? Those words shouldn't even be in a sentence together.

Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say to the blond, and he cried harder.

'Shit, sorry,' Connor quickly said. 'I didn't mean it like that.'

What do I do?

Evan squeezed Connor's hand before he could pull back. Connor grimaced, but stopped. 'Just talk,' he said. 'It'll help me calm down.'

Connor knitted his eyebrows, taken back. He was expecting leading him through breathing exercises or some shit, not just talking to him. What would he even talk about? The only thing he does is fight with his family, do drugs, and some other things he'd rather not openly share.

'Alright. I'm not really sure what to say, I'm not the most interesting person.' He paused, looking around, trying to think of anything to say. 'Ok, I guess I'll just share random shit I know or do. I tend to put earbuds in even though I can't listen to anything. I do a lot of shit just to piss my parents off. My father thinks that in a few short years, there'll be a 'cure' for my deafness and that's why he doesn't bother to learn sign language.'

This was getting way too personal.

'How do you know sign language anyways?' Connor asked.

Evan's breathing was back to normal, but he was still shaking. 'When I heard that you were deaf,' he said, 'I decided to learn it in case we ever had to talk to each other. Guess it came in handy, huh?'

Connor smirked. 'Yeah.' He looked at his phone, noticing the time. Fifth hour just ended. 'If you're done crying now, we should probably get to class.'

Evan nodded and with the help of Connor, he stood up. The two walked out of the bathroom. Evan stopped just right outside of the door. He grabbed Connor's hand.

'Thanks,' he signed. 'You didn't have to do that, but thanks.'

Connor beamed slightly at that. He hoped Hansen didn't notice. He didn't need the fact that he actually had feelings spreading around the school.

Connor let Evan walk ahead of him, remembering what he said about not needing a guide. He kept his distance, only interfering when he almost walked into the wrong room or made a wrong turn or almost tripped going up the stairs. He didn't care if people were staring or that he saw them whispering. He even saw some of them go as far as saying slurs, right in his face. He just rolled his eyes. He's heard them all before, he could ignore it.

If he was being honest with himself, he was glad he had been told to be Hansen's guide. It made him feel wanted, which is much more than his ignorant family ever did. It made him feel like he could have a chance at being good. Not nice, not yet, but good.