Sympathy, Anger, Hopeless

Shizuo?

Yo warning again don't want to trigger no one.

~~Izaya pov~~
    
        Shizuo slept alot longer and fell to sleep quicker so being stuck in his arms seem to last forever. Being stuck with only my thoughts wasn't all that fun. Not gonna lie, I was kinda thankful when he let go a turned to sleep the other way allowing me to get up and do my morning routine and then some work.
          "Jeez so many emails for stupid bs come on half of these I know the answer to without getting the info." Izaya growned checking his phone regeting doing so. Shiki was texting and calling up his phone along with his boy. Several of them sending there share of photos to him. "Gross..." He put his phone down sighing.
         Shizuo didn't take long to awake from his rest walking into the office, begining to people watch and occasionally look at Izaya. "Good morning..."
          "Morning theres your coffee or if you prefer I have tea made too. Thought people watching was rude?~"
Izaya smiled typing in the codes and sending off the info.
           "Okay thanks and guess a chamge in mind from a persuasive man changed my mind." Shizuo went to walk out to make a cup hearing Izaya's phone go off glancing at how many missed texts and calls he had. "Busy guy aren't you?" I looked at the phone as Shizuo left scrolling through it and spinning my chair. When he returned he sat down looking to me.
          "Who is it? Like people you do work for?" Shizuo questioned.
           Nodding I respond, "Yeah, work, people who want to 'hang', and then the gang presistant as ever. What can I say I'm a very popular man and for all the wrong reasons." Laughing a little I could see that Shizuo didn't share the same humor.
           "Sure. What is his gang saying?"
           "So the dream girl she ever get back to you, about how it went and stuff. And Shiki is wondering when I'm coming back same as the others haven't responded so meh."
            "Me and her just don't click I'm too stiff and she's too relaxed." Shizuo tapped his foot drinking his coffee slowly.
            "Well getting stiff in anyway is bad for a first date anyway Shizu-chan. Though its a bummer maybe she just was looking for the wrong fish."
             "Well I mean at least I'm trying... How's you in that department? Don't think you should be telling me how to do and don't when it comes to dating and such." He mocha eyes glared at me it seemed as he opened a window before smoking.
                "I mean, I'm pretty sexually active not much as usual but that's cause of this whole mess. Cigarettes will kill you quick, thought you quited. As for the dating part, I haven't gotten around to it... Lovers just get you in trouble the become luggage for your enemies to use against you. Plus Shiki wouldn't like me with another unless he says so."  Izaya rambled getting work done Shizuo toom a puff thinking about what the other said.
          "I don't smoke as often haven't had a lot to smoke about. As for you and that Shiki shit, why does he get a say? And wouldn't that toll of them using others make you want to quit more so?" His confussion was so easy to see.
           "Heh, I guess. Shiki word is just... Something I've been taught to keep and do. I meam this whole ignoring thing is differant too. And this job is my dream, I like know all, seeing all it make me feel like I have some say and power over everyone else. So Mr. Loverman got any eyes on your round to, what kinda people you into Shizu-chan?"
            "..." I could tell he didn't want to drop the Shiki conversation but I pushed on from it. "I don't know like someone there for me thats not scared, like I'd never hurt them but the whole strength things drives people away. Someone who knows me more then just as the "strongest man in Ikebukaru" they use it like a trophy or hey look at me and shit. Someone like not playing. I don't know if you had a dream person how would they act? Of course that is if Shiki ever allowed it, still think thats none of his business."
         "I already know them, my dream person persay. I had a crush on them when we were younger and it kinda grew into more. Though its one side I love them but,shit happen so...yeah I'll watch til things pan out..."
          "No way, Izaya, has a crush on someone. Who, did I know them? What do they look like is she nice and all." Shizuo questioned as he asked, my laughter filled the room.
          "She isn't correct, it's a boy. Haven't been into many women during my time, must be the mommy issues are too off putting for me. I'll give you that he's a boy and he went to our school." Izaya shrugged smirking.
             "Hmmm? I'll think about it I guess... But with Shiki... Why is it his say? What gives like shouldn't you just be able to leave and get on with your life?" Shizuo passed drinking his coffee.
             "Look Shizuo it's nothing really to fight about... Shiki was just there for me when I needed him, I owed him and paided him back with loyalty.  Sure hes mean and... Abusive but he wasn't always like that to me but a gang leader has to what he need to. Evolve to improve, Shiki was mislead and now he pays for it... I don't know why I continue to listen to him but I've been listening to you lately haven't texted him and I've been working on it alright...?" I felt my heart kinda sink but I didn't show my distress.
           "What he does to you is digusting. What if he's doing this to other people? You've been so used and shit how are you so okay with him, them all they do?" Shizuo finished his cig looking to me and stopping.
            I teared up, starting to clean my face I looked away turning my chair so I wasn't facing Shizuo. "Look I don't need your rant, I know. I'm unclean I can never have there hands removed from me, I get sick of myself too what they do isn't okay but it happens and I got caught like an insect in a spiders web... For a long time I forgot what pain felt like emotionally, and love was hopeless, I was nothing and I didn't mean a goddamn thing because I know what little we really matter. So... Leave me alone on this..." I rubbed my arms looking down it hurt knowing how Shizuo viewed me. I darted from the office into my room crawling into bed wrapping up I could hear the blonde follow me.
             "S-sorry I didn't mean it like that... I meant he's fucked up. You didn't have anything to do with his action, thats his fault you had know fault in that he was abusive to you. You didn't deserve that and... It wasn't your place to run I mean he knew how to use you. Sorry."
             "Shizuo, leave me alone please."
             "No, I'm staying here." Shizuo sat down petting at my hair as I covered my face his touch soft and slow. I wanted to break down in front of him, I wanted to tell him all the shit that hurts me, I wanted to repeatedly tell him I wanted and loved him I had, thats why I teased him, and always wanted to mess with him, why I took a route of him hating me then love me because how could someone love me for the digusting person I am. I laided there and said nothing, I let him akwardly try to comfort me and kept everything in.
             "Thank you Shizuo..."

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Sorry for the Izaya angst. But a battles a battle.
More coming soon hope you are enjoying.