This Bitch

Want To Know A Secret?

Want To Know A Secret?

Want to know a secret?

I'm a pretender, a fraud.

I walk around like I'm the queen of the castle, the bitch that cares about no one but herself; I've perfected this image that I want everyone to believe.

I feast on the affections and the fear that people have for me.

But what I don't want people to know is that I'm not a bitch because I don't care, I'm a bitch because I'm afraid of rejection. Afraid that people won't like me for who I really am, shun me and reject me. So I've covered myself in an armor so strong that no one can penetrate it to find the real me, the Laura who only wanted to be loved.

And it all stems from her...My mother.

Whom I desperately wanted to love me but I was doomed from the start, before I was even born, to be unloved, never knowing what true affection was.

My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when she was 26 years old, a year before I was born. She'd been showing signs of the disorder for years before she was finally diagnosed.

I heard my father talking about my mother's condition to one of his friends when I was five years old, he was crying, saying how much he loved her and how much he wanted the woman he first married back.

I wasn't supposed to know, he still doesn't know that I know.

My father tried to love me in the beginning of my life, but my mother's mood swings got so bad that my father soon took every opportunity to be away from home and when he was home , he and mother fought a lot. My mother was convinced that my father was trying to kill her and take me away from her. 

There I was...a mother who had no affection and a father who was never there.

No wonder I'm so screwed up.

I want to know how she died, why she left me.

Why wasn't I good enough?

Why couldn't she just love me like a mother is supposed to?

Sometimes I wish I hated her, but eight years after her death, I still crave my mother's love like I did when she was alive. I crave her approval, her affection.

So I live my life how I think she'd want me to be...shallow, hollow and emotionless. But sometimes I get tired of having to work so hard to put up a face of indifference to everyone and everything around me.

Tired of being a pretender and a fraud.

Want to know a secret?

I'm afraid of how Sebastian makes me feel and I hate him because of that. 

It's like he sees the armor I've place around me and has made it his sole aim to get inside.

He aggravates me and annoys me... but I kind of like it.

It's the first time I've met someone who I see as my equal and not someone beneath me that I can walk all over, and it feels good.

His proposition, his presences has really got me thinking about how I've been living.  

It's been a long time since have fun and let myself have any measure of happiness.

But I feel like I deserve to have a little bit of fun and joy in my life for once. 

Want to know a secret?

I'm going to tell him yes.