Star Wars: the Chosen One

Entry 5

It was almost dawn by the time I’d carried my mother to the speeder and sat her firmly on the back. I drove with speed, letting my anger flow and I blocked all my thoughts, rather than let the Force calm me. I hadn’t even realized I was back at the Lars’ homestead until Padme was looking at me in the eyes with such compassion it almost broke my heart.

I suddenly realized that I didn’t deserve her compassion and at the same time, I did. I exchanged looks with Owen and Cleigg right before going inside the house. I sat her body carefully on the couch. From somewhere far away I managed to hear Owen say that he’d dig her grave out by the others in the family cemetery.

I went back outside to bring the speeder back into the garage. I tried to distract myself with fixing the shifter that wasn’t broken, but no matter how hard I tried nothing would distract my thoughts from going to dangerous places.

Part of me—the part of me that could still think through the pain—was ashamed of my actions. Well, ashamed wasn’t the word for it. I knew I was supposed to act better, to think better than that. What had I done? I’d let my anger take a hold of me and that was something a Jedi should never, never do.

Ever, in his life.

“I brought you something,” a voice came from the doorway. “Are you hungry? There’s some fruit here and a cup of Jawa Juice,” Padme said. I heard the tray slide onto something and knew that she probably sat it down somewhere.

“The shifter broke,” I said. “It must’ve broken last night, but I didn’t notice it…” My voice trailed off. I sighed. “Life seems so much simpler when you’re fixing things. I’m good at fixing things. Always was,” I continued. I paused for a second and then spoke what was on my mind. “But I couldn’t…” My voice trailed off again and for the first time since Padme had gotten in there, I looked away from the shifter. I looked right into her eyes with a gaze full of pain and anger. I continued, “Why’d she have to die? Why couldn’t I save her? I know I could have!” I turned my back on her and walked across the garage.

“Sometimes there are things no one can fix. Even you can’t stop death. You’re not all-powerful, Annie,” Padme said.

“Well I should be!” I shouted. “Someday I will be! I will be the most powerful Jedi ever!” I turned and looked at her and I knew, I could feel that I would be the most powerful Jedi. “I promise you. I will even learn to stop people from dying!”

“Annie…” she started.

The frustration took over again and I yelled unintentionally. “It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault! He’s jealous! He’s holding me back!” I threw a wrench against the far wall. It hit with a loud clank. I stared at the wall for a few minutes and then turned back around so my back faced Padme.

That’s when I let the tears fall down my face.

“What’s wrong, Annie?” she asked in a sweet and gentle voice.

“I just told you!”

“No, what’s really wrong?” she asked again.

“I….” My voice trailed off. I couldn’t tell her. If I did, what would she think of me? I had to try. I sighed and took in a deep breath.

“I…I killed them. I killed them all. They’re dead. Every single one of them…” My voice trailed off. I turned to face her, the tears covering my face. “Not just the men, but the women and the children too. I killed them all. They’re like animals and I slaughtered them like animals! I hate them!”

She looked at me with such compassion, but hurt and tenderheartedness that for a second, it made me forget everything.

Just for a second.