ecstasy || Shawn Mendes

- mom, i love you -

three years ago.

A tear rolls down my face and falls onto the bedsheet.

I look up to be greeted by her pale but ever friendly face. She smiles a bit in my direction and sighs. Colin, who's sitting on the other side of the bed lets out a few sobs and pinches my hand.

"I..., I love you both so much," she says while stroking our hands.

"We love you too,"

A sob leaves my mouth and another tear rolls down my face.

I can hear her breathing, but its pace is changing with every breath she takes. It's slowing down and maybe a minute later, a never-ending beep is all we can hear.

Crying, I let go of her hand and give a kiss on her forehead.

After ten more minutes, Dennis and I stand up, while never letting go of each other's hand.

A few days have passed. It was until the night before her funeral that I could get myself to write a speech.

'Dear mom,
It feels so unreal knowing that you're not here anymore. I still remember the story you used to tell me about my birth and about how you were so not expecting me. I was a total surprise, a surprise in a good way as you'd like to say. I also remember the day that you told me that you had something to tell us and that it was the opposite of good. You went to see the doctor that day to get the results of your CT-scan. You had a brain tumor and removing it would be too dangerous. The doctor told you that you still had two to three years left. We cried a lot that day, but we also talked about those upcoming years but didn't plan anything. You told us your wishes, we wrote them down and we tried to make them come true.  But here we are, not even a year later. You only fulfilled two wishes. We went to Paris together for a week and had the most amazing time. And we all got matching tattoos. A line of three elephants, your favorite animal that represents our family and the strength that we all share. 

I don't know what to say anymore. You'd help me find the right words right now. You would encourage me and inspire me. And mom, you still do encourage and inspire me, every second of every day. I'm just so grateful for having you as my mom. You were the perfect role model for me. You were the best, you were the most amazing mom anyone could have wished for. You were always there for me, through thick and thin, through peaks and valleys. I could always count on you. And I still can. I will remember you as the most amazing person I've ever known.

Thank you, mom, for all the things you have done for me, for all the things you have helped me with, for all the laughter, for all the shopping sprees, for all the love, and for all the amazing memories.

But at least you're with dad now and you can live happily ever after again. Can you please hug him tightly for me?

I'll never stop loving you. Never.

Much love, hugs, and kisses,

Your surprise in a good way.'