I am thinking about several Things.
Your laugh.
You trying to cheer me up.
And also you, texting me, because you want to know if I arrived safe at home. How you said, that you like my style and i felt a little mire confortable in my skin.
And so much more than this.
I miss you. I miss the us, the friendship we had.
To be clear, I probably just miss the memories. Kinda sad, huh?
One year, four months and seven days passed away since you've left.
How silly, that i'm still counting the days. Do you do the same? Thinking about me and missing the old times back so much, that you don't know how to let go?
I feel bounded to you. Still.
But a lot changed.
Like, everything changed.
You know, i guess, I will never be able to tell you how after you've left my aunt came to visit me. That aunt I told you about, I never got to know and was a psychologist.
She saw my situation and told me that she was so sorry, that she could never be there for me, but my own mother never allowed her to see me.
They probably don't get along well, how would I know. I barely see my mother, as you already know.
Thanks her thoughtfulness, thanks to her for being there for me and being all supportive and kind; I felt safe.
She came to rescue me from the cliff i was holding on to for so long and so desperately.
I'm still having issues by dealing with other people or loving myself, so it seems to me. But really, believe me, I did made progress.
I started to eat regualary and healthy,
managed to get a job and don't need to harm myself anymore.
You know, when I first started writing down all my thoughts and frustrations down in this book, I would've never believed, that i would take it out of my old brown closet to write down, how everything changed.
How I changed. How my feelings changed.
I decided to try sending you this old book I kept for so long, with my thoughts in it. I never was brave enough to destroy it, to throw it away. It's such an important memory of my life. It's like a diary of emotions. About hatred, love, desperate and anxiety.
And if I would destroy this book, it would probably be the same as disowning my past. Not standing up to for who I was.
I don't know where you live or where you study. Neither I know of you're still alive, happy and safe.
You left, didn't you?
But I'll still try. Do Researches, call some of your relatives from whom I still got the contact addresses.
Not to let you feel guilty.
That's not my intention.
It's not about the pain you made me feel.
It's about me, being lost in her feelings. Being lost between love and hate and not knowing how to deal with it. It's about the things I couldn't tell you, that you didn't know before you left.
This book is about so much, you know.
But I want to send you this book mostly because of one particular reason;
To thank you.
Thank you for being there for me then. For helping me up and for showing me how painful love can be.
Thank you, that thanks to you, I know that I can't expect from anyone to love me, if I don't love myself first.
Thank you, for helping me becoming the person I am today, here, right now in this moment.
I don't regret meeting you. Nor falling in love with you. I'm proud.
Now I can look back, smile and be happy, that i was strong enough to escape out of the prison of my mind.
Thank you, Jake.
I will never forget you.
In Love,
Mailin.
