Irene, My dead best friend [Wattys 2015]

Chapter 9: Action Plan

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” 

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

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Guilt is an odd sensation. I don’t even know if I can call it sensation it all. It is like a powerful awareness that takes over your entire body, especially your brain and heart. It settles onto the two most important organs of the human body, blocking out everything else. It’s like a metaphorical heart attack or a hemorrhage.  Take your heart for example, when guilt sits in your heart, there is no escaping it, all you feel, all that you can touch, everything reminds you of your guilt. It chews down into the heart, causing an agony to pass over you and the worst part is you can’t do anything about it. Until of course, you find a way of rectifying it. So when Irene said the words that she did because you KNOW I’m not capable of any of it, instantaneously a sense of guilt and humiliation came over me.

In my anger and second freak out of the day, I had not only insulted Irene, but also accused her of something so unrealistic; I was having a hard time believing it was actually me.

“I’m sorry, Irene,” my voice barely a whisper, I wasn’t even man enough to apologize properly, “I hope you understand I did not mean any of that. It’s just that everything that’s happened and that woman dying, those people…just everything all of it…” she didn’t let me finish.

“It’s alright. I understand,” that only made me feel guiltier.

“No Irene, I was a horrible person to you, I said those things even though you’re right, I didn’t mean them..” I was staring at my torn up white Chuck Taylor’s trying to explain to her what I was feeling, trying to make the situation alright.

“Please, it’s okay, I understand. If you feel so bad you can make it up to me later. But right now we have to get to somewhere safe. Those creatures are still out here somewhere. We need a plan,”

“Yes, you’re right. We need to find where you came from, get you somewhere safe at least. There has to be something you remember, some sort of clue or something that reminds you of home?” I was in business mode now, the guilt still lingering but I was trying to push it in make up for it by helping her get where she needed to be, safely.

“I honestly don’t know. I’ve tried to think many times. All I’ve done is think, I try and remember but all I draw is a blank. I feel as though all I’ve ever known is these woods. I sleep here, wake up here, and wander around here, some days I play with Rufus but I don’t think your cat seems to like me, it’s very unresponsive” her face had an earnest expression, her blue eyes reflecting the night around us. Of course the cat was unresponsive; it probably freaked out seeing her apparent floating as well.

“OK…what do you eat then, how do you take care of yourself? Have you tried to get out of the woods, head to the city and alert the authorities?”

She seemed a bit confused now, raising her tiny hands to scratch the back of her head, “Now that I think about it, I….don’t feel that hungry,” she paused thinking it over, “I’m not sure, I just walk around all day, like I told you, I like the trees, they watch over me and yes, I’ve thought about going to the city, but every time I make an attempt to head in that direction, I get quite…distracted. Many times, I remember and I start to go….oh I’m blanking out on this, I don’t know, I just wake up in my spot in the woods. I…can’t…remember,” she had slowed down, totally zoned out on me, thinking aloud to herself at this point, the confusion growing on her face, her expressions making it clear that she was just as perplexed at the situation as I was. I wanted to hold her then, tell her that I would help her out as much as I could, get her to safety but as luck would have it every-single-time, I was cut short.

The pitch black darkness was cut through quite suddenly with a distinct and clear wolf’s howls that reverberated through my chest, making the hairs at the back of my neck stand in attention.

“What the…” was all I was capable of saying looking in the direction of the howl and then Irene. The confusion had left her face and was now replaced with fear. Instinctively, I inched closer to Irene who seemed not to notice as she looked around her as well.

“Since when do we have wolves in these woods?! Never in my life have I heard them around here,” I was baffled and anxious now. How much had I missed around here?

“They howl every night. How have you not heard them? Usually when they begin to howl, I ran back to my safe spot in the woods and stay there till day light. But their howls sound a lot closer to day, I’m scared, Jason,”

They howled every night? I had never heard them when I was at home, whilst in my room. I know my nights were spent usually trying to not be afraid of the weird noises coming from INSIDE my house that I was too distracted to notice the noise coming from OUTSIDE? Oh this was not good.

“Don’t be scared, Irene. We’ll be ok. Let’s go back home. It’s too late and too dark to do anything now. Too much has happened today, I need to process this and come up with a plan. Well find a way, don’t worry.” I tried giving her a reassuring smile but I don’t think I convinced her, or myself. I knew I was stalling, trying to buy me some time like the coward that I was but I had no other choice. I, for the life of me could not come up with a plan now, not after everything I’d been through that day and even if I did, I don’t think I’d have the guts to do anything about it.

“I guess…. I guess you’re right. Ok, let’s go home.”

©Hafsa T.M (aka HTMwrites)