WHAT IF

2001: something i can't have

November, 2001. 『Los Angeles, California』

Walking in a shuttered wall full of memories, a boy of dreams was what welcomed her, innocent and wild. blissfulness in his eyes still imprinted on her lonely mind, his unimaginable knowledge were worldly-wise, words of wisdom still stoned in her inexistent core, the memory of the warmth of his touch that may had been forgotten by her world-wearied flesh is still pristine in her grieving mind.

That boy she once knew was greater than this statuesque, those almost sickening blue eyes, perfect cloudless sky blue which were the architects of her rue were innocent and wild; if only they could remind me what it was like.

1995 when she have witnessed bounded miracle, it was as if she was in the dreams of gold, everything grey doubtlessly coloured green, he was the technicolor to her painted words, everything he touched was stoned into undefined section of her walls, and now as if he had perished; had flee far from the foolish cards. She now lives in the stale of shadows.

The first moment her eyes of nothingness received the blessing of his honest beauty.

The sky was in the same common rim of vanilla; the familiar uninteresting void, it must have been mutual to what he was feeling that day; dullness, he was slouched in a transcendent chair, with a burning cigarette on his hand, inhaling the touch of his drug. His disinterest was coloured utterly well, from the driving of his luscious brows, the bored range of his lips. She was almost discouraged to run the scripts.

'How can I do well with his neutrality?' She recalls her desperate mind once feared, but as soon as the cameras rolled, she could never be more ashamed regarding her doubt than she was at that very moment. He was good, stoned good.

In fact that mere disappointment that was destined onto her that day as she stepped into the interesting cosmos of her character, the Rose to his Jack, is still ingrained into her nostalgia.

"Here we are," She recalls, delivering my line in discreet foil as her eyes met the first class cabin sign—the sign of Rose's paradox of a fulfilled living, she then embraced the beauty of his brilliant blue iris for the first time leaving the sight of the mundane loneliness, removing his jacket from her shoulders, her other hand capturing my dress just similarly to how the script instructed, and from that moment then She knew they were honest, business or not they were.

"Right." He spoke in dismay which he had hidden with an unfulfilling smile that almost fooled her. The impecuniosity of the script was served well, nevertheless it felt so real. We were lost in the characters we were obeyed to play.

"I don't wanna go back." She spoke unmindfully with a longing smile, still captivated by his warm gaze, but he, Jack rather did not suffice her destitutions; Rose's destitutions and that was how our lines must flow, she then look up at the midst of nothing as if she have indeed seen the sky which was full of stars to regale my dismay.

"Look, it's beautiful." Admiring the beauty of the inventive sky, she spoke, walking slightly to a certain direction which was supposed to bring her sight closer to the imaginative stars.

"Yeah." he whispered, taking a few steps towards her direction.

And then there was a question she truly can never forget, it was as if her character was playing her, an absolute parallel.

"Look! a shooting star!" She exclaimed, pointing to the imaginative sky that my mind had painted bright.

"That's a long one." He murmured as if he had painted it the same as she did. "You know my paps used to tell me, every time you saw one it was a soul going to heaven."

"Aren't we supposed to wish on it?"

"Why? What would you wish for?" As soon as the question left his mouth she was humbled, she was not certain if she was losing herself to the character I play or was it because she would have spoken the same.

"Something I can't have." As soon as she walked away in dismay of Rose, the sentiments they shared were imprinted in her confusion. She, herself cannot have what she would wish for.

The memory was stoned in her, that was how good he was.

She sought out James Cameron after the test, "Even if you don't hire me, hire him!" Exact words that came out from her bewildered mind.