Five Years Later

Chapter Twenty-Four: The Prayer

[writer's note] this chapters may be particularly triggering to anyone who has ever suffered from depression, anxiety, or been suicidal because of how devastated Cas is after Dean's death, so if you are worried, you shouldn't read--keep yourself safe! [end writer's note]

Cas knelt by the bed, hands clasped together against his chest, and closed his eyes. His elbows were pressed against the blanket that was now settled against the mattress; he had set it there to lay there more comfortably, staring desolately at the ceiling for hours on end.

"Gabriel, I know it's been a while." Cas kept his voice low, for fear the others would overhear him. They had long since returned from their trip—it had been weeks since he was left alone with Joanna. She had not left him a favorable review for babysitting, and Katharine had taken notice of it.

"It's been..." Cas sighed. "It's been too long. You vanished from us and I know you knew what was going to happen, because you have been trying since day one to push me and Dean back together by whatever means possible. I feel terrible for being so upset with you, but it was for... it was for good reason. You tricked Sam and then you tricked Jess and now, after all of this, Sam is dead and Jess has had to live without him for five years and she will keep doing it for many more. Regardless, I am your brother. I will never cease this role in your life. I love you and I forgive you. I ask you now, from brother to brother, for your help in a matter. I have... I have been seeing Dean Winchester. I think it's all part of my imagination or by some wishful, grieving thinking, but regardless, I am missing him. I miss him so terribly, it feels like I can't breathe. All I want from you, Gabriel, is my one love back. I will do anything you want of me, I will take any lives I must, and I will live any life you wish."

Cas waited a minute, eyes still closed, and heard nothing.

"Please, brother. Have mercy." Cas took a breath and it shuddered through his entire body. "I will do whatever you wish of me, just give me this one—"

There was the sound of wings fluttering by his side, and Cas spun around to see who the perpetrator was. It was Gabriel indeed, standing there awkwardly in all of his angelic glory. The smirk had long since faded from his face. He now stood there, head tilted to the side and brown hair settled in waves on his head.

"Brother—" Gabriel stepped away from Cas, lowering his gaze. "I'm sorry to bring you news that you do not want to hear, but I felt it necessary to no longer leave you in silence."

"Oh, brother, thank you—" Cas struggled to his feet, eyes wide with gratitude. Gabriel simply shook his head, quieting Cas with this one, disappointing motion.

"Brother, you know very well why I am here, but you are not going to appreciate my presence once I tell you my answer." Gabriel sighed. "I can't bring Dean Winchester back to you. I know I brought back Jess, but you also understand that I was not able to resuscitate Sam. What's dead is going to stay dead, for the first time in many millennia. The Winchesters are no longer the notable exception, or one by any means. They must stay dead. I can't press my point clearly enough. It's simply impossible. It's not within my power, and it's not known to me anyone who can. You need to give up, Cas. You need to learn how to live without Dean Winchester."

"Gabriel, please." Cas' voice broke and tears began to stream down his face from where he had been burying the sorrow inside of his chest. "Please..."

Gabriel snapped his fingers and was gone, just like that, leaving Cas alone in the room with his emotions again.

"I can't—" Cas fell to his knees, burying his face in the blanket from the bed. He could feel the panic rising in his chest again, fluttering around and threatening to burst forth. "I can't live without him, Gabriel. I can't do it. I've been trying, but there's nothing here for me. Everything is empty and dark without Dean—it's like I'm living in a wasteland, surrounding me with a nothingness that is too heavy to bear. I can't go on, Gabriel, not without him. Please, please, I'm begging him, bring him home. Bring him home to me, Gabriel. My home is with him and I am nowhere alone."

He waited a moment, hope filling him for a fraction of a heartbeat before his wishes were dashed, leaving him more broken than ever before. He managed to pull himself into bed, crying to the point of being unable to breathe, and shakily pulled the covers over himself in a vain attempt to calm down.

Everything hurt. He couldn't pinpoint the pain, but he knew it had begun inside of his chest. He had felt it there, simmering for days, tugging at the strings of his tender, still broken heart. He was beginning to wonder now if it would ever be repaired at this rate. All he had done for the last two weeks was lie in his bed with his eyes trained on the ceiling, every day watching it fade more and more from the brilliant white it had once been. He thought of it now as permanently off white and messy, but it surprised him as it continued darkening into a shade of somber gray.

How was he going to get better if he could barely get out of bed? There was no weight dragging him down most days... it was occasional, he would admit, but for the most part, it was a general lack of interest and hope that kept him pinned there, unable to eat, drink, or sleep. He just kept staring upward toward the heavens, as though Dean might suddenly appear before him and if he looked away, he would miss it. He had memorized the number of seconds between the clicks of the cord against the blades of the fan above. He had marked a particularly chipped piece of the ceiling paint when he first saw it and knew that it was beginning to grow. All he wanted was Dean back. Was that too much to ask for?

There were hushed whispers in the back of Cas' mind, just as there had been all those weeks ago. He closed his eyes and wished as hard as he could that when he opened them again, Dean would be there. It would be okay if it was only a figment of his imagination or, in a better scenario, a ghost. Cas didn't care how it happened. All he knew was that he wanted Dean to be by his side again, no matter what it took.

With a deep, unsure breath, Cas blinked and was met by the bright, illuminated form of Dean Winchester standing beside the bed. His wish had come true. Perhaps it had been a prayer. Cas couldn't remember now. He was met with those beautiful green eyes, ones that were faded just a tad bit more than they had been the first time, that gorgeous smile that dazzled, even with the dullness that strained Cas' imagination. Was Dean less vivid because Cas wasn't all there, fading away from everything that he used to be?

"Dean..." Cas whispered, shaking to the extent that he was unable to sit himself upright. He was helpless to lay there against the pillows, staring up into the face of the man who he loved. He still couldn't determine whether or not this Dean was a figment of his imaginations or a spirit, having found the bunker and persisting to haunt Cas for the rest of his earthly eternity. Either way, Cas couldn't be bothered to find out as long as this kept happening and he was able to spend some time with the man he had lost too soon.

Dean still said nothing, his jaw set and his rows furrowed as he gazed down at Cas, arms crossed in front of his chest. He appeared almost disapproving, head tilted to the side just like Gabriel's had been moments ago. He stood, for that matter, in the same spot where Gabriel had disappeared. Dean knew. Cas sighed, preparing to explain himself.

"I'm sorry, Dean." Cas wiped away a persistent tear that had begun to trickle down his face. "I'm sorry for everything. I know I've said it a million times and in a million different ways but all I want is for you to be back in my arms. I'll do whatever you want me to do, Dean. Just... come back to me."

Dean was silent.

"Come home!" Cas screamed, the sadness turning too easily into a deep, uncontrollable rage. He rolled out of bed and confronted the vision of Dean, which stood there unflinchingly. "I am begging you, I'll get on my hands and knees, but you need to come back. I can't do this without you, Dean... I—" He felt himself beginning to break down, already having reached the climax of his anger. He fell to his knees, by Dean's side, and when he looked up again, Dean was gone.

"If you—" Cas managed between sobbing gasps. "If you come back, I'll be everything you need me to be. I promise. I'll never—" He choked, then regained his strength for one last try. "I'll never let you down again." '

He was met yet again with silence.