Five Years Later

Chapter Nineteen: The Letters [1 & 2]

Dear Cas,

I'm not sure it's appropriate to start a letter to you by saying "dear" after every single shitty thing I've done since you left. You aren't going to love me anymore when I find you someday, or when I receive a letter back.

God willing this works. I was asking everyone what I should do, since they banned me from leaving the bunker until they can be sure I won't leave and try to go find you. It took us a while to come up with a compromise. Charlie said I should write you a letter and we can try to find the base, that way we're not starting a war. I agreed, despite myself.

No one wants to fight anymore. We have been beaten down by Negan in every way, shape, and form. He came back about three days after they took you and Jess. They were demanding some sort of exchange for not fighting with us. We didn't have much to give them, and Claire... Goddamnit.

It's not fair, but there's nothing we can do now. When the men came to get our supplies and we didn't have enough to feed both them and ourselves, Claire stood up for our team and got herself killed. It wasn't the way Sam went, thank God. It was... it wasn't worse. That's how I sleep at night, at least.

One of the men—I want to say his name is Logan? Logan shot her before she even knew what had happened. She was so young Cas, and I know how much she meant to you. I'm sorry to tell you that she's no longer with us. I wish I had better news, but no good has come out of anything since you've been gone.

Everyone else is safe so far except Claire. We have been staying inside the bunker and making sure the door stays closed. Bobby is working on a plan to escape, but I told them to forget it if they wanted me to come along because Katharine is pregnant. Oh, yeah. I need to confess something. I almost forgot and I don't want to throw away this paper because we're running low. There are only five sheets in the drawer by my bed and I want to use one for every year, until I run out. By then, I hope we have found each other again and I can tell you all of this in person. With these letters, it should be easier to catch you up with what's been going on so we can get right to the part about loving each other again.

After you left, Cas, I was a mess. I was back to drinking and smoking and doing whatever I could to forget how much it was hurting me to not have you by my side. Katharine was easy. She was pregnant. She needed someone. I did, too. Well, that's messed up—I mean I needed a purpose and something to do. I was desperate and so was she. That's why it happened, Cas. It's not for any other reason, and don't fool yourself into believing that when you hear I'm with her. Every time I kiss her, I pretend like it's you, but it's never the same. I don't love her. I don't think I ever will.

It feels like an eternity, being here. Days drag on and on, hours never end, and I pray every night that you'll find your way back to us. I'm scared, Cas. I'm scared because you might not be alive. You could have died a long time ago, for all I know, but Negan doesn't seem like the sort to take the easy way out. Worst case scenario, you're being tortured, and it's all my fault. My own, damn fault. I can't believe how stupid I was. I'll never forgive myself.

Even though that's terrifying and keeps me awake at night, there's also Katharine. I think she wants me to be a father, Cas, and if there's one thing I'm not ready to do, it's to be a father. I'd be a really shitty one if I were given the chance. I know you didn't see me when I was being raised by my dad, but he was a shitfest. I don't want my kid to end up like me, and if I ever did settle down, I would want it to be with you and in a different era where there is no apocalypse and our child can be happy and safe.

I just want to find you. I love you more than anything in the world. I pretend to love Katharine but none of it's real, if she ever brings it up... if she somehow outlives me and my grief and finds you first. There's not much else to say, if I don't want to sit here and make you miserable reading about how awful my life is without you. I have one last thing to say before I sign off and go find Charlie to see if we can locate Negan's base, though.