Five Years Later

Chapter Eight: The Interview

"Tell me about it, Cas."

"Everything was perfect for a long while, but I was stupid. I thought he didn't love me because he wouldn't say it back or some shit. I was anxious and weak."

"Are you stronger now without him?"

There was a break in the recording and the buzzing of silence sounded for a moment until Cas spoke again.

"Yes."

"You hesitated."

"I didn't mean—"

"Pardon me for interrupting you, but that was most definitely a pause. Cas—do you still love him?"

Silence reigned once again.

"I don't know."

"You paused again."

"Is it a crime to be quiet?"

"No, I never said that, but you are avoiding the answer."

"I'm done with this fucking therapy. It's not helping me in the least."

"I beg to disagree. It's part of your deal with Negan to continue working with him, correct?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"So, Cas—answer this next question with a definite yes or no. Say the first one that pops into your head without thinking about it first. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Did you miss him for these last five years?"

"Yes. But not for all of it... only for the first four or so. After I got with Negan, I wondered about him sometimes, but Negan told me he hated me."

"What was his reasoning behind that?"

"Because he got with Katharine."

"Are you jealous of Katharine?"

"Yes. I mean—"

"No, keep your original answer. Now, you're saying you didn't miss Dean lately—why have you been having nervous breakdowns?"

"I'm worried about running into him and hearing him tell me that he hates me."

"If you're so worried about being around him, why did you go to the hospital and take him back to his room like Negan asked?"

"Because Negan asked it of me."

"There was something else there."

"If you say so."

"This is your time Cas—tell me what you say was there."

"I wanted him to know that I don't hate him."

"But you think he does?"

"I'm afraid of it."

"Why does it make you afraid?"

"Because I don't want to remember."

"What don't you want to remember?"

"Anything. I want to forget all the time I spent with him and focus on the now."

"Is it because you are mad at him or because it hurts to remember?"

"It hurts. I mean—"

"Cas. Listen—I have one more question for you. Again, this is yes or no, gut instinct. Ready?"

"Yes."

"Do you still love Dean Winchester?"

"Yes."

The recording ended and Negan looked across the table at Cas, his eyes narrowed and brows furrowed. He looked frustrated, disappointed, but not mad.

"Novak... we've talked about this." Negan rubbed his face with his hands, sighing in frustration. "You can't—you can't love Dean Winchester anymore. All of that is in your past. If the two of you are together, one of you has to die. There's not room for that on this turf."

"It's okay, sir." Cas adjusted his collar, his hands shaking as he did so. He was so worried that Negan was going to punish him again—he wasn't mentally prepared to spend another night inside of that prison. "Dean doesn't love me."

"I'm not so sure about that." Negan mused, stroking his chin and casting a sideways glance at his bat, which was leaning against the wall adjacent to them. "What did you tell him while you were sent to the hospital to get him last night?"

"I asked if he was Dean Winchester, like you wanted me to, and took him to his room. Then I left. My appointment was right after. I had very little time to take him to where he needed to be." Cas reminded Negan, following Negan's gaze and giving a slight shudder. "I'm sorry if it appeared that there was foul play involved, sir."

"You know what, Novak?" Negan snapped, pushing back his chair and standing with both of his hands clenched on the table. "I don't believe you. Get the hell out of my office and my army if you can't tell me exactly what you said."

"I said—goodnight Dean. Then I left." Cas promised, tucking his hands into his pockets and cowering before Negan's fury. "I promise."

"Novak—we have security cameras all around this base. I saw you stood there for a good two minutes talking to him and I want to know exactly what you said." Negan closed his eyes, his jaw set and tense as he tried to calm his anger. "Tell me now. No more lies."

"I'll see you again." Cas cried out, desperate to stay out of trouble. "You won't know it was me—no one will know why I did it except Negan wanted me to and I'm following orders. I know you don't understand what I'm saying; I was a mess when I got out of prison too. I can't promise you things will be the same way because I don't know where we stand but I can promise you that I don't hate you."

"That's what you said, word for word?"

"Mostly. It's fairly accurate." Cas crossed his heart, which seemed to appease Negan and he settled back into his chair.

"Do we need to get you to hate him again?"

"No, sir."

"You can do it on your own, then?"

"Yes, sir." Cas swore. This earned a firm glare from Negan, who forced Cas to swear it on his life before he was allowed to leave the room and go back to his quarters.

***

"You have to forgive him and yourself before you can be happy again." Jess murmured, tapping the end of her cigarette so that the embers drifted down, glittering in the darkness of the staircase. "If you forgive him but not yourself, you've gotten nowhere because you'll keep feeling horrible and having these nervous breakdowns you mentioned. If you forgive yourself but not him, that makes you the schoolbook definition of asshole. You don't have to love him again; no one is asking that of you. Just forgive."

"I do love him, Jess. I think I do, anyway." Cas whispered to her in the shadows, lighting the cigarette she had offered to him. "That's the problem."

"How do you know?" Jess said curiously, her voice still soft and husky from all of the smoke. She had been continuing this habit even though she was pregnant, because Negan didn't know—and as far as she was concerned, he wouldn't find out.

"I saw him and I felt that twinge of something that I used to feel when I looked at him before all of this happened. It broke through all of the pain and hurt I have built up around my heart and I was so happy. That's what I want—to be happy—and if he still loves me..."

"Of course he does." Jess smiled, taking another shaky breath before pressing the cigarette back against her lips. "Don't let Negan tell you anything about Dean. Believe in what you're feeling right now and don't lose sight of what it means."

"Thanks, Jess." Cas said, taking one last drag of the cigarette before letting it fall to the ground to die along with the rest of the embers that had drifted there.