Letters

A letter to my mom

     Mom, I constantly think about you. There isn't a day that goes by where you don’t run across my wandering mind. I remember when you died ; that night will forever play in my head like the scariest part of a horror film. I just want to look away but I’m stuck facing the most Horrifying  thing. I planned your memorial. I really hope you liked it mom. I really hope it made you proud cause that’s all I ever wanted to do. After you died a lot happened. I held together for you though, I held together for our family. There were so many things I faced alone and there is so much more to come mom. I cut my hair shorter than I ever have. I thought about showing you but realized I  couldn't. That was the first moment you being gone hit me. I got a memorial tattoo before that for you. It says Ohana. I got it because you wanted me to get a mom tattoo but I refused, so we agreed on a design real similar to the one I have now. But mom, it has your name under it because I know we fought a lot. We fought a lot but we fought cause I loved you more than anything. I wanted you to get better and I wanted to help you. I promise though mom, I never, ever meant to hurt you. I wanted to protect you but I couldn’t and I think that made me more angered. I hope you understand that. I hope you understand our last conversation we had was just me standing up for my sister. It was me trying to show you a mirror in hopes you would look at it and realize how you were being. I hoped and pray that would snap you back awake . That is why even in the most of a fight I told you I love you. Now I sit here all the time and think about the things you won’t be there for. I went to prom mom, it sucked so much . I also walked for graduation and I hated that too. I even tried to move to Vegas with my dad just to have a change. I’ve been through so much these last 7 months mom and I constantly wish I could call you on the phone and tell you about all this craziness. To sit with you and watch movies or maybe drink a wine cooler. Even if it was just having a conversation and you telling me we can go do something crazy just to make me laugh and feel better. You always knew I was way too rational and you were just extra and it was so funny. You were always so bubbly. I miss your laugh, your smile, your forced hugs, and your mess ups when you spoke. I miss you making me sing and getting over excited. I miss you stealing plates and small dishes from restaurants. I miss you. I wish our time together wasn’t so short mommy. I love you to the moon and back. Rest in peace mom.
Your daughter,
Alexis Lutz.