Lonely and Tired

The New Black

Brian leaned back against the door and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He was so beautiful with that sexy deadpan face that gave nothing away.

Oh god. He was probably here to tell me that Matt and Val wanted me gone. I brought too much drama into their home. Shit, I'd only been here twice and both times I'd caused a scene.

Excellent work Steph.

"Are you okay?" Brian asked, a flicker of concern crossed his face.

"Am I okay?" I parroted back at him. Why the hell was he asking if I was okay? I was the dumbfuck that had just showered what was a pretty great evening in misery.

"Yeah. Are you okay? Matt and I are sorry we upset you." He watched me cautiously.

"What the hell do you two have to be sorry for? I'm the fucking idiot that threw a downer over everything," I shook my head at him incredulously.

"What?" He was genuinely shocked.

"I'm the one that asked that stupid question," I felt tears well up again. It had to be jetlag still. I was not normally one for bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. I was more inclined to throw the nearest moveable object in frustration. Brian had personal experience of that.

"Ace! It was a fair question. Fucking hell, the number of times we've asked ourselves the same thing. Why should you have to censor yourself?"

"Because I'm an idiot...because Ryan...because Jimmy...because people were having a good time and I ruined it." Damn it I wanted to slap myself as tears ran down my face. I was not this person! What the hell was going on? Was I reliving puberty? Crushes? Tears? Maybe I was spending too much time around an overly emotional three year old and it was rubbing off on me.

Brian pulled his hands from his pockets and took a couple of quick steps toward me. He reached out and clasped my face between his palms. Butterflies erupted in my stomach. 

"Steph," he leaned in to look at me. Being the coward I was couldn't meet his eyes, "Stephanie," he insisted tilting my face up. I glared up at him although chances were I gave him the look a puppy offers up to a potential new owner at the pound. "You're not responsible for how Matt and I feel about the fact that Jimmy's gone, or that King's gone for that matter. Fuck Steph, people ask us questions about both of them all the time and if you want to know about insensitive, you should hear some of things we're asked."

I sniffed. Elegant and classy I know. Brian rubbed his thumbs across my cheeks, no doubt wiping away mascara smears. His younger self had really rocked that look from what I could recall.

"God you're gorgeous," he breathed. Who me? I seriously doubted that but as I prepared to set him straight his mouth closed over mine and all rational thought left my head.

Sweet baby jeebus his lips were soft, and hot, oh god, and so, so delicious. Although the deliciousness could have been traces of the fantastic meal that Val had cooked. Seriously though, who fucking cared? It was enhanced by essence of Brian.

My hands reached up and grabbed his biceps. Mmmmm. Firm. I really don't know if it was him or me who moaned when one of his hands released my face and slipped around my waist puling me closer. Maybe a little of both? Either way it was me who gasped and drove a hand into his hair when his tongue slipped into my mouth.

Teenage me was shrieking in the back of my head. 'You are pashing Brian! In a bathroom! Pashing! Bathroom!' Bloody hell he could kiss. He could kiss like it was his job and I had to question, not for the first time, my younger self's wisdom. I mean I'd married Eli and I'd turned down the opportunity to make out with Brian all those years ago. Both were bad decisions and alright, I may have wound up with a face covered in more mascara than had actually belonged to me if I'd made out with Brian back in the day, but surely it would have taught me to have higher expectations than Eli's tepid tongue sandwich.