Begin Again ✔

thirty eight

THERE IS A STRANGE silence that sends shivers down Lea's spine as she watches her mother lie peacefully whilst confined in the beeping sound of the monitor. It scares her because she's never seen her mother this way, so weak for she always proved to be strong and brave and it hurts her in the chest to know that all of this is her fault.

I should have been more careful.

Fuck me. Fuck you, Lea. Look what you did. It's all your fault. You should have been more careful.

The voices in her head drive her crazy and her head starts growing numb. The pain drives her to another night with her dad when it happened.

It's always been your fault. You're a monster. You ruin people's lives. Lives of your parents.

Don't go there, Lea.

Fuck.

Unshed tears flow out of her eyes, running down her pale cheeks. She watches her mother's chest rise up and down as she breathes slowly. Sniffling and struggling to catch her breath, Lea wraps her arms around her mother's cold fingers and buries her neck in the hole of her waist.

"I'm sorry, Mom. I'm so sorry," she says between interrupted breaths. "Wake up, please. I can't afford to lose you too. Mom, please."

She cries some more, until her chest hurt and her clothes drenched in tears. There's a hollow pain in her chest, that is now consumed by remorse and guilt. It drives her insane. It's your fault.

All of a sudden, the door sweeps open but she cannot find it in her the strength to wipe her tears away. There's a wholesome amount of tears on her shirt but she doesn't care.

"Lea," Bash's voice echoes around the room. She doesn't turn to look to realize it's him, she realizes it with the sound of his voice. "Oh my god, Lea," he says after realizing that she's a mess. He walks towards her and wraps his arms around her to give her comfort and she responds back by crying more.

"It's my fault," she mutters. "I hate myself."

"It's not your fault," he replies back but she knows it's not true.

"Where's Alec?" She blurts.

"He's gone to change his clothes. I thought I'd drop by to see you."

She nods.

"Lea," he says softly. "Do you want to talk?" He asks and takes the seat next to her. "I'm here to listen."

"What do you want me to talk about?"

"Anything. Something you want to take it out of your chest. About your mom. Anything. I've heard sharing things with someone helps."

"No," she replies blatantly. "I'm fine."

His facial expressions instantly harden.

"Okay," he gulps.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. It's just that when I start talking, I start connecting things and it's really not a good thing. I'm fine. Thanks."

He nods.

"Thank you," she blurts, followed by a tinge of silence. "Thanks for being here. Alec and you."

"Um," he swallows. "Yeah, no problem. And did Alec tell you?"

"Tell me what?" She asks.

"That he got into Harvard?"

Oh.

"That's what he wanted to tell you. That's why he drove all the way to New York."

"S-So he'll be moving to Cambridge?"