Dear Tyler,
Sometimes I hate this world. It's so big, Ty, and we're so small. I never felt as small as I did when we were seperated, worlds away from each other.
I missed you. So much it hurt every muscle in my body and every cell in my muscle and every mitochondria in my cell, down to the very atoms that create me. I missed seeing the way you would smile at me when I said something arguably cute. I missed seeing the way you would concentrate while drafting your tweets. I missed seeing the way you could just get lost in your food. I miss seeing the way you loved. Because you loved, Tyler, more than almost anyone else I've ever met.
People told me it wasn't that bad because Skype exists. Because in olden times, there were letters. Only letters. And now I understand what they meant, but then, I was desperate. Because Tyler, a computer screen is a computer screen. The 1 million+ pixels have nothing over the 1 you. As much as the camera tried, it never caught everything. Don't get me wrong, Ty, it was better than nothing. But it never captured how, when we were together, the energy in the room felt electric. Everything just lit up. And yes, the screen lit up when you called me, but it wasn't the same.
Nothing's ever the same without you. I used to see a post on tumblr and want to just laugh with you next to me. I used to make a joke that only you would have understood, and just get sad because I knew that no matter who I was with, and what crazy, exciting things I was doing, I wasn't doing them with you. And you weren't there. All I wanted was you.
I used to sit in my room, on my bed, alone, and think about you, Tilly. I used to make up scenarios in my head of the perfect lives we could be living at that moment when we were together. I used to think up perfect dates, where you would pick me up with your shiny car and take me to a fancy restaurant and when it was done, you'd bring me home and kiss me right before you dropped me off and left. I used to think up just regular days with us living together, lying lazily in bed before we had to get up, and "cooking" meals together and just being together. I was so desperate.
All of the time we had together felt limited. I always hoped that somehow we would find our way back to each other, but it always felt like I was working within a time schedule that someone else planned.
I know in life we can't always get what we want. But I would have given almost anything for those extra days with you. I wanted each one of them. I wanted the busy ones and the boring ones and the tired ones and the hungover ones and the sad ones and the exciting ones and the loving ones and I wanted them all. But if I can't have them, I guess I'll just have to settle for this.
Sometimes I hate this world. But it has you. And somehow I found you. So maybe this world isn't so bad after all.
