Sweaters in the Summer

I'm not dying I'm just crying

I put on a sweater. Pastel yellow. Apparently, it doesn't match my skin tone but I don't really care. I got it from Japan a few years back. I thought it was funny because all clothing has English words on them but they don't make sense. Japan is trying and it's hilarious.

My knee has healed pretty fast but it looks too gross to not put a band-aid on.

Look at me I'm insecure about my knees...that's just great.

Well anyways, It's the week of finals and I haven't spoken to Marinette since that moment. I don't have the time...or I'm just ignoring her out of embarrassment.

Yeah, that's more likely.

I don't think I can avoid her anymore though because I'm going out to sing today. I should be studying but I have a case of senioritis. It sounds more serious that procrastination.

Maybe she'll study and not come.

Maybe I'll never see her again and I can bathe in my shame for the rest of my life.

This is great.

Everything is fine.

~~~

The sun is telling me that the season is changing and my sweater is screaming regret.

I forgot my stool so I guess I'm playing guitar on the floor. I look like a homeless person (not that I don't like homeless people).

"Good afternoon"

"Good afternoon"

It's an automatic reply. I probably should've looked up before saying something. It could've been a serial killer or a rapist.

It was just Nino.

"You're not a rapist," I say as while playing my guitar strings one by one. Nino and I have become closer from associates to peers to hopefully friends. I think we're friends but I don't actually know. I think he might like me? Or maybe he just feels bad for me because I don't have a lot of friends.

I should stop over thinking this.

"Disappointed?" he replied sarcastically with a grin.

"No" I twiddle the strings between my fingers subconsciously. My hands are sweaty and I'm not sure if it's because I'm slightly nervous or because it's so hot outside.

Nino drops a dollar croissant into my hat that says "TiPs".

"Thanks" I responded, combing my hands through my hair. Nino sits down beside me and puts his arm around my shoulder.

He sighs and looks up at the clouds, "It must have been difficult but I promise that things will get better" Nino leaned slightly onto my shoulder.

What was he talking about? I mean...I guess it's been kind of hard getting ready for college and everything.

"I know you liked her"

Oh, he's talking about Marinette. Well, I do miss her. Maybe I should confront her? No...I don't want to do that.

"I miss Mari-bro too"

...

"WAIT WHAT! Did Marinette die?!?"

Nino turned to me and furrowed his eyes, "What are you talking about?" he said indignantly, "She just graduated early"

It took me a second to relax. Marinette was fine. She's getting closer and closer to her dreams. Her buttercream laugh was safe. Her Starry Night eyes are safe. "She must be happy".

Nino smiled. He stood up and offered his hand, "Yeah, she's in love with San Diego".

I laughed and took his hand, "What's a Sand Deigo?".

Sand is...sand but Deigo is a name.

Oh my goodness, she has a boyfriend.

Oh my goodness.

"Dude, San Diego is a place in America"

Oh.

Wait.

She's in America?

"This is like the plot to High School Musical Three but worse!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about"

~~~

I lay like a starfish in my bed and stare at the blank white ceiling.

I'll never see her again. I already forgot what her voice sounds like. I just can't believe it. I can't believe she's gone.

My hands start to tremble and my eyes water.

You are okay.

You are not dying.

Do not cry.

Do not be weak.

You are okay.

"I'm okay"

"She's okay"

"And that is okay"

I never even said goodbye.

Why didn't I say goodbye.

God I miss her so much.

I want to put my hands in her hair and whisper sweet nothings in her ears. I want to her to see my love sick smile.

I don't even notice I'm crying.

~~~

This is the perfect time to write a song.

the best type of artist are broken.

Vincent Van Gogh was suicidal.

"la tristesse durera toujours" was his last words.

Oh god she's mind consuming.

My mind has been consumed.

Remember when I said "I've never suffered through heartbreak" ?

Those were the good days.

I don't like to cry

or summer day pies

I don't like the sky

When the stars aren't by

but I like midnight hair

and the sweaters that you wear

i like the glitz in your eyes

and all the untold lies

I'm going to bed.

I hope I wake up and this was all a dream.

Or better yet, I never wake up.

I didn't have a reason to until I met Marinette.

Author's Note:

Hello!

Just wanted to say that my AO3 account get's updated faster and is called Riceball02

I haven't watched the Miraculous Ladybug episodes yet and have been avoiding all spoilers. 

I'm gonna try and watch it this weekend

I'M SO PUMPED

love,

Kiwii