December 5th 2017
9:36 pm
numbness
•
•
•
have you felt something so many times to the point where you feel nothing at all. like your completely numb and the smile you put on for everyone isn't actually there.
because honestly same. I've felt nothing for so long that I'm going insane. when someone tells a joke I laugh, 15 minutes later I'm still laughing because I don't know when to stop, I don't know when people will finally buy my facade of happiness. I don't know how to express happiness anymore other than faking it. my resting bitch face has become my expression for everything and I don't understand.
people ask me if I'm okay and I just smile and nod and say I'm fine because I feel like I am fine but then again, maybe it's because I've been lying to myself for the past 5 years that I'm fine. I've become so used to the emptiness and the pain that it's normal. that it doesn't bother me anymore but it kind of does.
I want to know what it feels like to be happy and not get mad at everything people do. I don't want to get mad at someone if they make too much noise or scare me or talk for too long about things I don't care about. I want to care about those things because I love these people but as I said before I can't express it. I can say I love you but I don't know how to show you.
people say words can mean a lot but actions show you care. then i guess I just don't care because I don't know how to show someone I love them other than writing it or talking to them, but I'd rather write it because when I talk I'm kind of monotoned. I could say "oh hey I just got tickets to my favorite band" but I'd sound like my mother just got done mentally abusing me. it's honestly a problem.
maybe it's because I was never taught affection until I was about 8 or 9. I taught others affection, in fact I raised a child at the age of 7 until I was 9. just so that he could know what love was even when i didn't. I would make his bottle, I would put him to sleep, I would play and talk with him and teach him things until I would go to school and come back home and do it all over again.
but anyways, if I could feel something I would. but I want to feel nothing, because it's easier than facing the pain of reality. sadly my reality isn't picture perfect, nobody's is.
the most popular girl in school could be self-conscious of her body. the school "hoe" could be the same way, maybe that's why she sends nudes to all the boys just so she could hear the compliments that she doesn't believe. maybe that's why we all do the shitty things we do.
maybe that's why I don't care if I'm physically in pain. at least I'm feeling something.
my life has never been picture perfect from the start but that's for another story.
I sit here in the dark listening to this dead guy sing, died to early but he wanted to die young. most of us do. to afraid of the future. maybe future isn't *the rapper* hahaha *slaps knee*. (Sorry I saw the chance and took it, try to lighten the mood of this depressing truth)
anyways. my numbness is like an ice cold breath dreadfulness, of sickness and of sleep. An overcoming cloak of faking a smile and faking an over exaggerated laugh to make others satisfied with my actions I partake in everyday life of this society. I forgot what it was like to just smile without feeling like a burden on my shoulders. what it's like to look in the mirror and be satisfied. what it's like to not be devoured by thoughts of intimate life consequences.
everything I've ever done I always think, "what is she going to say". she being my grandmother, my "gaurdian". it's probably unhealthy how afraid I am of her. she doesn't hit me or anything. she just expects me to be there for everything and to do everything and be everything and make straight A's and be that girl that has everything right when everything I can think of in the end, goes wrong. I can't do that.
I have no motivation and if it wasn't for time frames I would never leave my bed. waiting to decay of thoughts and depress into the abyss of forgetfulness for the forgotten. when I die I want to be forgotten, I don't want people to morn over my death as I've others. it's not the right thing to do. at least I've left this society.
I'm sorry this got so long and so depressing honestly I don't thing anyone wanted to read this but yahknoe you clicked on it so, not my fault. have a nice day/night and I love you all♡♡ <3
