November 26th 9:46pm
isn't love just crazy.
how you could love someone so much and then one of you says "were breaking up" and suddenly you can't look at them when you pass each other or maybe you have one of those unrealistic breakups where you two are best friends after a mutual agreement. ha. funny.
also breaking up with someone who's so in love with you is extremely hard. they say you help them through so much and that they think about you all the time. but your dying inside and you don't want them to go through the pain with you, you don't want them to see you like this. it's a mind bottling thing to do.
one time I was having a conversation with a boyfriend and he said "I want to take all the pain away from you" and without thinking I said "please don't take the pain away from me." He said "why not, I want to" and I didn't want him to so I said "no, you can't because pain is the only thing that's keeping me from going insane, it's the only thing that stops me from killing myself and it's the only thing that stops my thoughts for maybe a few minutes, without those few minutes of pain I wouldn't be able to know what silence really is. all I hear is my thoughts. all. the. time." all he said was okay, but it hurts me when your hurt.
that really pisses me off when people say "it hurts me to see you in pain" okay so? maybe I'm in pain but I can't stop it. I'd be a mess without it and if you want to be in pain too then so be it let's go be pain buddies but please don't tell me I make you have pain because of my pain, that only makes my pain worse, therefore hurting you.
but love isn't just smiles and kisses and holding hands under tables and love songs. no. it's breaking in half to see them smile, it's leaving only so they don't have to hurt with you. if I could leave I would but I just can't do that. if you read my thoughts and you see my hurt then you wouldn't want to love me anymore but they stayed. why. why would they stay, I don't know. I gave them my notebook that holds my thoughts after a panic attack, after a mental breakdown, on a good day, after dinner. everything and they wrote me two whole pages on why I deserve to be loved and why I shouldn't hurt myself and why they love me and how God stands before us all and can take our pain away.
why would they do this to themselves. why would they ever want to touch me because they know i can break at and second but do they care about that, no. they dont. they say they love me for who I am but hell, I don't love me how could someone else. I look at myself in the mirror and think about how many calories I ate today and think about how many I shouldn't eat tomorrow. I think about how my hip bones and my ribs are so prominent but my jaw line is non existent. I think about the worst. I think about how they don't really love me and it's all some sick joke because that's all I can think of. if I don't think about that I will soon be let down because people always walk out on me.
I tear myself apart and nobody can fix it, no matter how many times someone says they love me all I can think of is how it's all a lie and how they don't really love me and how it's probably a sick joke just so they can see me break in the end.
but of course there is that glimmer of hope that maybe they don't want to see me dead and they don't want to see me bleeding all the time. but only a small part of me says that, only the part of me that also tells me to go out and have fun when I know I have this thing where I hate social gatherings. if I think about that long enough it's like I'm lying to myself. That I'm going to have fun when a way larger part of me knows it don't want to go and that I'm just going to stand there and tell people I'm fine. so if that part lies to me then why wouldn't that glimmer of hope be a lie also.
okay I'm getting really depressing right now, sorry about that. and I got off topic, sorry about that too. but yeah. that's it.
