Insomniac

Michael

☽m.12☾

Unedited

The way Sam had looked at me the other night made me feel weird. It was an intoxicating mix of nervousness, self consciousness and (because it was Sam we're talking about here) obviously desire. It was... odd. Like she blinked and all of a sudden it was like she was seeing me for the first time. I felt naked, like all of my secrets were exposed. But somehow instead of pity or disgust despite it all she still seemed interested. The message her eyes conveyed to me was steamy and full of libido. But I mean-- I had never been particularly good at reading girls.

"Then who am I right for?" she breathed.

I knew exactly where this was going, and I don't think I could have let it go there-- cause there was the point of no return. If I seriously admitted that I wanted to be with her... I knew I'd be a goner, if I wasn't already.

I had looked at her for a few long moments and in that spate of time I could barely breathe to be honest, because if I let my vision go out of focus or if I closed my eyes I could imagine it was her. I missed her. That night was one of those nights I felt nostalgic, and lonesome, and oddly hollow. I missed Tessa like one would miss an arm. Sam always felt like the perfect remedy, like the prothetic I needed. But tonight-- sitting across from Sam, I didn't know if it helped or hurt. Every time I glanced up at her, I couldn't rip my eyes away becuase all I could see were whispers of the past, of Tess. The way she crinkled her nose when she was in a jocular mood threw me back to a time when Tess and I were together, when we were happy. The twinkling of her eyes reminded me of Tess' aptitude for trouble and mischief and the gleam that always was in her eyes. It's Sam's eyes that remind me of her the most, and somehow it ripped me apart but made me whole at the same time.

Sam wanted me to say I was right for her and I wanted to say so as well. But there was so much in the way, so much that wasn't right. With me. I wasn't good enough for a girl like Sam, just like I wasn't good enough for Tess. My daddy issues imparing me, handicapping me. What would she do, how would she react if she saw my scars? Even Tess hadn't seen them. And then there was the fact that I still wasn't over Tess. I couldn't let go of her as much as I wanted to be with Sam. How unfair would it be to her if I were to play into her efforts right now? When I finally told Sam the way I felt about her, when we finally got together-- yes when not if, because I was selfish enough to still want her despite my issues, despite the past holding me back-- I wanted it to be about us. I didn't want it to be about her trying to get over Jeff or me trying to get over Tess. I wanted it to be just us, her and me, and in order for that to happen we both needed to heal. And I think slowly we were healing eachother.

Sitting in the back of the record store with a bottle of beer in hand I mulled over how she told me about the past and how I needed to let it go. It was strange-- she always knew exactly the right thing to say at exactly the right time. That was another reason I liked her so much.

I was nervous about going to the diner again tonight. If I admitted I wanted to be with her in more ways than one, it wouldn't be a lie so much as it was wrong. I didn't know if I could be as good a person as I was last night. Good in the sense that I tried to take her feelings into consideration instead of jumping her bones like her eyes were asking me to. And damn, those eyes. If she didn't know what she could do to a man with those eyes of pure golden hazel I'd be surprised. They were the definition of bedroom eyes if I'd ever seen them. Even Tess could never produce a smoulder so sensual it rocked me to the core. It was scary how the mood had changed. Like she just flipped a switch and there it was- unmasked unadulterated want, and if it happened again tonight I didn't think I'd be able to help playing into it. I didn't think I could resist touching her-- and I didn't think she'd want me to.