Anything Goes

Unforgiven

The door opened and there he was, mildly confused at first and then dumbfounded in the next second.

“Axl, um...hey…”

“H-hey.” I took in how he looked. Wow. He was just...well...beautiful. He had on a very faded wide-collar shirt that showed his collarbone and his perfect skin. And even he was wearing sweatpants, the guy could make a nun blush. And apparently me. Say something to him Izzy. Anything.

“Er...didn't expect to find you here…”

...dumbass.

“Uh...y-yeah...been, uh...here.” Oh. My. God. This cannot get any worse.

“How's your...your…” I made a vague gesture. And here we go.

“My nose?” Axl asked, like he wasn't sure who he was talking to.

“Yeah! How's your nose?” Why did you ask him that? You can see right there that it looks like shit, with the purple and blue and green splotches that your idiot guitarist made because he wasn't looking where he was going--

“It's fine.” Axl rubbed it and winced. That had to hurt. “Just sore. No big thing.” He half-shrugged, playing with something in his pocket. Well, at least there's that. I cleared my throat nervously. Man, it was quiet out here.

“Did--um--did Spike take a look at it?” I asked, shifting my weight.

“Yeah...said it isn't broken.” Axl said casually. But something had darkened in his bright, clear eyes. Was it because I brought up Spike? Why would that make him upset? “He's studying for his midterms at his friend's house. Think the guy's name is Jared. I suppose you came here looking for him.” And there it was. That simple sentence said more than those eight words did. He thought I'd come to talk to Spike.

“No, I didn't come here for him.” I said, moving a little closer. He blinked. But even that simple gesture meant something. Axl never made any movement or sound that didn't have meaning behind it. The whole dynamic of our conversation had shifted. And I didn't like the tension one bit. I took a deep breath and changed my time to what I hoped was a warm one. “I came here for you.”

Axl folded his arms and stared at me down the bridge of his freckled nose. Oh boy…

“You came here for me.” He repeated. “Why exactly? To bitch at me about what happened at Madam Wong’s? That was almost three weeks ago. You're a little late.”

“No, I didn't come here to bitch at you. I came because,” I paused and took another deep breath, “I wanted to talk to you. I hadn't heard from you or seen you in three weeks. I was worried, especially given that you were hurt. I missed you. We missed you.” Axl scoffed. This was not going well at all…

“‘We missed you’? Who’s ‘we’?” Axl said bitterly. I stared. Why is he so hostile? Where was all this coming from? I was puzzled.

“Well, me and Chris. We missed you.” I said, affronted.

“Yeah, I bet. That's what you've been doing this whole time? You two have been palling around and having a grand old time? And then you say you miss me? What do you need me for? Apparently all I do is get in the way.”

“Axl, that's not true!” I said, trying not to sound like I was pleading. But Axl did have a point. As much as I hated to admit it, Chris and I had been together a lot over the past three weeks. But not because we were excluding him, I just didn't know what to say to him after that show.

“Yeah, right. Three weeks I don't see you or hear from you! I don't know where you are or what you're doing! You make no fucking effort to reach out to me, to see how I'm doing! None! And now, you think you can show up here after all that and tell me that you “miss" me! Are you fucking serious?” Axl spat hotly. And suddenly the night wasn't so quiet. But now my blood was starting to boil.

“I came here because I was worried about you and wondering if you were alright. If you find that so hard to fucking believe, that's your own damn problem. Don't make it one of mine!” I said dangerously, closing the gap between us in one stride. Now I was pissed. I came out here to try and have an adult conversation with him, and this is the shit he pulls? Really?

“Now you're gonna pin this on me? Really, Izzy? You're the one that didn't bother to look for me for three weeks and then just came running because you suddenly grew a fucking conscience!” Axl yelled, inches from me.

“I grew a conscience? I've always had one! If I didn't I wouldn't be here!” I shot back.

“Then why are you still here?”

“Because I--" I took a breath. This was getting out of hand. If I didn't try and fix this now, we'd both regret it. Remember why you're here. I started again in a softer tone. “I'm here because I care. I do. Really. I know I haven't shown it, but I do. I came because I wanted to talk to you about something important.” But Axl just stared at me like I had a giant slug on my face.

“You came to talk to me about something important because you suddenly care? Izzy, I’m many things, but stupid isn’t one of them. If you really cared, you would have been here three weeks ago. I don't think you do care. And if you don’t care, why should I?” Axl said. He sounded angry, but I heard the hurt and sadness at the very end of his sentence. But no matter what hurt he was feeling towards me, it was nothing compared to the hurt I was feeling inside at what he just said. It was like a piece of me just broke off and fell away. My heart dropped into my stomach. He really thought I didn’t care?  I had literally no words to speak. Not one. At a complete and total loss, I turned around and walked silently off the porch, down the street and wordlessly into Chris’s car. Chris stared at me. I couldn't bring myself to look at him.

“So...how did it go?” I heard him pipe up cautiously. But it sounded as if it came from far away. I felt numb. And cold. He really thought I didn’t care. He didn't answer for a bit. “Izzy? Are you there? Even if it didn’t go well, you can still tell me. I won’t judge.” I reached behind me to pull my seatbelt. As I did, I thought I saw Axl sit down on the porch and put his head in his hands. I couldn't tell if he was crying or not. I felt like it. But the tears wouldn’t come.

“Just shut up and fucking drive.”