Anything Goes

Yesterdays

He had a striped shirt on.

I had too-big jeans on and he wore a striped shirt.

I sat on Spike’s bed and stared at the picture in my hand. The jeans came from the thrift store, and I remember when this was taken. It was in the summer before eleventh grade. Izzy had just passed his permit test the day before. We were standing in front of his mom's ugly green car. Looked like a Chevy, but I couldn't tell from this angle. He was smiling because he was happy. I was smiling because I was happy for him.

But he was really happy. I wasn't. My dad threw me out the night before. Under those jeans were legs covered with scratches and cuts. The red school track shirt I was wearing was hiding bruises that were shaped like hands. There was sadness etched in every line of my face that connected to my smile. My smile was fake. No one could tell. But Izzy knew. We knew each other so well.

He knew everything. My thought process, how I functioned, everything. He had me down to a science. He always knew when something was wrong. He could tell when I was lying or hiding something from him. He knew when I was happy or sad or tired or angry...He just knew. He always knew. How can one person know me so well?

I've thought about Izzy more times than I can count. I feel like my day isn't complete without wondering whether he's ok and if he ate today. Or thinking about what he's doing? Who does that? It's fucked up and it isn't normal. The only people who think like that are people who are in--

Wait, what? No...I'm not in love with Izzy. There's no way. People who are in love fight a lot less than we do. They don't do shit like this, or call each other names. Or ignore each other for weeks. That's petty. I love Izzy, even though he's a selfish asshole, but I'm not in love with him. Period.

But if I was….what would it feel like? I mean, I haven't seen love too often, but I imagine that people who are in love...they think about each other a lot. They miss each other when they're not around. They love each other's company, and doing things together. Like everything that I enjoy with Izzy---

No. No no no. I'm not in love with Izzy. I'm not. No fucking way. That's beyond absurd.

So, then...how do I feel about him...?

I miss him. I miss talking to him, hanging out together...fuck, I miss him. His voice, his eyes, everything. Then, after three weeks of not seeing hide nor hair, he shows up and we fight! And here I am moping because he isn't here! Then, when we were together in one room before all that, I was fidgety and everything felt like I was on speed. My thoughts moved at a hundred miles an hour and I couldn't stop playing with my fingers and my heart was beating so loud I'm surprised Izzy couldn't hear it. That's not love, that's misery. And uncomfortable. Love isn't uncomfortable.

Damn right it isn't. Love isn't being sad that someone isn't with you, or your thoughts racing or your heart pounding and it definitely isn't fucking butterflies in your stomach. It's crap, and I---

I dropped the picture. What the fuck just went through my head? All those things...missing someone, enjoying their company, getting nervous around them...isn't that what--what---

I didn't even realize my hands were covering my mouth. No. No. No no no no no no no...My mouth went dry and hands started shaking. I could feel my heart pounding in my throat. Suddenly breathing became hard. And my vision swam, the room looked like a blur of color now.

Something wet hit my legs, staining the fabric of the jeans.

Oh my God. Oh my God...I'm in love...I'm in love with Izzy! Oh my God!

Everything that I knew was love was what I was experiencing, every last bit of it. I loved him, God help me, I did. I loved everything about him. I loved his wavy hair so dark it was almost black, even though he dyed it darker. His hazel eyes were so warm and reminded me of roasted chestnuts. The way he laced up his shoes one row at a time. The way he brushes his hair out of his face. That he likes crab legs but hated crab cakes. I love the sound of his voice and the way he hugs me...fuck me! I'm in love!