My Failures Have Made Me Better

I

My stomach grumbles and I sigh, remembering I haven't eaten in two days. It isn't healthy, but I haven't had the motivation or even appetite to get up for food lately. When I first got back from my crushing loss at the Grand Prix Finals, all I could do was eat and sleep, but now all I can do is avoid almost everything but sleep. I stay in my room all day and do nothing but sleep or stare at the wall while submerging myself in the dark abyss some people might call my mind. I suppose I need food right now, though, so I should get up for now. If I don't eat in front of my family at least every four days, they'll get worried, and they don't need to waste their time worrying about a failure like me.

I heave a sigh as I force my now somewhat terrifyingly skinny body to stand up from my bed and walk down to the kitchen. Normally, I would eat my favorite food, pork cutlet bowls, but nothing has been normal for me in a long time. It's been so long since that great failure, but I still can't forget it or move on. The image of me falling on the ice has since been playing in mind on repeat, endlessly replaying itself without any breaks. It's always on the forefront of my mind, and the biggest thought I can't seem to escape.

I grab the first edible object I see, not caring or noticing what it is, and sit down as I eat it slowly. I'm vaguely aware of my family sitting around the table, but I ignore it as I always seem to do as of late. They're all probably somewhat worried, but it's better that I stay out of their way. I'll just end up screwing things up yet again, something that seems to be the only thing I'm good at.

My thoughts get interupted by my mother saying, "Yuuri, you don't look very good. Are you okay?" Looking up at her blandly, I say nothing and just shift my gaze back to the wall across from me. Everyone in the room sighs at my lack of response, and I know they're used to it by now. My mother seems determined to get a response, though, because she continues despite not knowing if I'm paying attention. "You look worse than you usually do as of late, Yuuri, and I'm worried. Yuuri, I think we need to get you some help."

My slow eating comes to a halt as the word 'help' is spoken. Help? They think I need help? There's nothing wrong with me that can be fixed. Being a significant failure isn't curable until death puts an end to the perpetual screw ups, which doesn't sound like a bad idea at this point. At least I'd be out of their way and they could live their lives without needing to worry about me ruining anything.

I hear a sigh from the corner of the room when I don't respond. My gaze quickly flickers over to the figure before going back to the wall, out of slight curiosity as to who it is, Mari. "Yuuri, you're obviously having issues coping with your loss, which is completely normal, but now it's starting to get out of hand," she pointed out. "You're hardly eating, to the point where you are on the verge of looking like a skeleton wearing a skin jumpsuit, and you never do anything but sleep. Believe it or not, too much sleep is a bad thing." Mari's arms are crossed, and she gives me the stern stare that she knows I can't ignore.

With a mostly emotionless voice, I respond, "I'm not dead yet, Mari. It's fine, and it'll continue to be fine." My appetite disappears entirely, so I stand up and throw away the rest of whatever I was eating, still not caring to know what it actually was.

"Yuuri, that's the issue," Mari continued, grabbing my wrist as I move to leave the room. "You think you're fine, but you most definitely aren't. You may not be dead yet, Yuuri, but if you continue like this, you will be pretty soon."

"So?" I snapped back, wrenching my arm away from her grasp and ignoring the look of both shock and hurt on her face. Uninterrupted this time, I get to the doorway and pause to look back at her, ignoring my mother and father, who have been watching this whole interaction. "If I die, what would it matter? You wouldn't have to deal with me messing up your lives anymore, and I wouldn't have to live a life of constant failures." With that, I turn back around and walk away, back to my room. I hear a gasp and my mother caling my name, but I continue walking and ignore it.

Once in my room, I close the door and take a step toward my bed before collapsing to the floor. On the way up the stairs, I had been feeling slightly dizzy, but I didn't think it was much if an issue and kept going. Now it would seem I should have sat down for a little bit, which is my last thought before my vision goes black.

~~~

When I suddenly wake up with a jolt, I notice I'm in a hospital bed. A needle protrudes from my arm, and my eyes lazily follow the tube attached to it to see the IV bag. I hum slightly and try to sit up, my movement causing someone in a chair next to my bed to wake up. Looking over, I see Minako rub at her eyes for a second before looking up at me, her face brightening when she sees me awake.

"Thank goodness you're okay," she said, a nearly blinding smile covering her face. She gives me a large hug, and I groan in slight pain. Hearing this, Minako immediately pulls away and asks if I'm okay. I just look at her and shrug, and her smile fades. "Oh, that's right. I forgot about your depression for a moment there, and the silent treatment you've been giving everyone. Mari tells me you think you're a failure that would save us trouble by dying. Is that true?"

I don't respond, which seems to give her the answer. With a small nod and a sigh, she sits back down. The room is filled with silence for a long while, until I decide to break it. "I'm not wrong," I blurted out suddenly, causing Minako's head to snap up towards me. "I am a failure, and I keep dragging you all down with me."

Suddenly, Minako's face turns angry, and she abruptly stands up and yells, "Don't say that, Yuuri, ever again!" The suddenness and volume of her voice makes me jump, but she ignores it. "Yuuri, you aren't dragging any of us down. We don't stay by you because we feel obligated, we're here because we care and we want to be here. And besides that, you aren't a failure, Yuuri, everyone messes up every once in awhile. Not to mention, your dog just died! It isn't your fault what happened, and I can't believe none of us said something earlier."

I sigh as she finishes speaking and look down at my hands resting in my lap. Had I really been causing them that much anguish by trying to stay out of the way? If Minako's emotions are anything to go by, I need to stop ignoring them all if I want them to be happy. "I'm sorry, Minako," I apologize. "I thought I would help by staying out of the way."

"Clearly not, Yuuri," Minako said, still somewhat angry. She looks at my sad face and her glare softens. "Yuuri, we all care about you, and we were really worried. Especially when we heard you fall and found you collapsed on your bedroom floor. The doctor's say it was mostly dehydration, but you also weren't getting enough food." A concerned look replaces her previously angry one, and I know that I really screwed up this time. More than when I slipped on the ice, that's for sure.

"Minako, what can I do to make this right?" I ask, looking up at her. "It's not okay that I put you all through that, even if I did think I was helping, and I want to make it better."

Minako smiled and replied, "Just try to be happier, and don't shut us out anymore." We both look at the door as it opens, and Minako smiles wider. "He's awake, guys, and feeling much better!"

My mother takes one look at me and tears start to fall down her face. "Yuuri, thank goodness you're okay!" She immediately runs over and hugs me tightly. "We were so worried. Please, don't do that again."

I hug her back, my heart hurting when I see just how much I really hurt them by trying to keep them from being dragged down. "I won't, mom, never again," I reply as I pull away from her embrace and smile. The smile may be only on their behalf and not mine, but it's still genuine. My mother looks somewhat surprised, but happy nonetheless. "I'm sorry I put you all through that. Like I told Minako, I thought you would all be better off without me messing up your lives, but it seems I was wrong. Can I do something for you all to apologize?"

They all look at each other, and my mother whispers to Minako before looking back at me and saying, "We'd like you to continue skating."

1617 words
Edit: I just deleted the AN, don't worry about anything. (I will likely come back and actually edit the chapter once this fic is completed, though.)