Letters & Rants

I don't know

I just don't know anymore. What the hell is life? I'm 14 and lonely. I'm really confused. Nothing even feels real anymore but I don't know if it's because I'm numb. Why the hell is life worth a living? I don't know. I want to know. I'm so confused and alone. I think miserable would be the word. I've got nothing at all. Or maybe I do. I don't know. I'm still confused. I know I have piles of homework but those don't feel worth doing. Maybe I'm like Alice but instead of falling through a rabbit hole I've fallen into a never ending hole of confusion. Am I scared? I don't think so. I'm just alone. No one is with me. No one is thinking of me. No one is reaching for me to help me. No one is here. Because here is only me. And me isn't enough to hold the other me down. I'm definitely insane. But the very best people are crazy. That might be different from insane. I don't know. I know math. I know numbers and letters. I let letters seep from my skin and speak for me. That's what they're doing now. I don't feel myself writing this but I am. I don't know. It doesn't feel like me. It's a bad me. Too powerful for me? I don't know. I'm not crying for help. Because in this messy messy mess is only me at the end. I don't know how to clean it up. It feels like I know nothing. But maybe I start with my broom and get rid of the toxic first. Or I could suck it all out with a vacuum. As long as it's gone I think it'll be fine. Because mess mess mess is all that I breathe. My lungs are dying out. Flowers have grown in but those flowers are killing me. The flowers hurt. So maybe hands to tear them out. I don't know what I'm writing. I just feel it? This is coming from the very bottom of my soul. I'm trying to get rid of the huge rock in the middle. It's black black black like the night sky. Yet it isn't soothing like the night sky. The night sky is beautiful. I wish I was the night sky because the stars speak for it. If only I could be as bright as a moon. I think I once was but everything dies off. My light burned off. Stars are pretty too but I miss the moon. I don't know. The moon got lonely I think. With no one to relate to. But it was shiny? Like gold. Golden and unique. Admired and beautiful. Gold. The stars have everyone but they don't have everything. Because they only shine so bright when they die off. The moon leave though. Is that what I need? To leave. A break so I don't burn off too? I don't know. It feels right? Wrong? Dirty? Selfish. Is. The. Word. I don't know. Maybe it's too much. I mean me isn't so bad. I could live with me. But I rather live with ME. THIS ISN'T A SCREAM FOR HELP. it's my alarm to wake me up for tomorrow morning. So I can go to school. To the faces I see everyday and the subjects I learn everyday. The pretty, purple pterodactyl plopped down on the rock. Language arts. P0=P1(p1×r)^t. Math. Energy is the ability do work. Biology. I don't know. I don't want to go there. Because there feels toxic. I don't want to be here but this is where I'm hiding. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I'm trying to know but I don't know. This is useless but my soul is less restless. Maybe this was a call for help. I build me.