But Too Well

XXXIV : Don't

"WAIT, SO..." SHE studies me, processing. "So, you guys, I mean..." Leaning in, she seems to have a hard time understanding what I just finished telling her. "You haven't, you know... slept with him, have you?"

I flush, shaking my head rapidly. "No, Natalia, I already told you. I..." Pressing my head against the table, I groan. "Don't make me have to repeat the whole thing again, okay? Just... help."

She raises a perfect eyebrow, and for a second I notice, not for the first time, just how incredibly beautiful she is. No wonder Daniel has fallen in love with her.

And she is definitely related to Nero.

Taking a sip of her coffee, her eyes don't leave my face, and I can't tell if she is disgusted by me, horrified, disappointed, all or none of the above. "I mean, Ros, I guess..." She struggles to find something to say to me. "I guess I knew there was something, but like... God. I don't even know what to say."

Running a hand through my hair, I give her a small shrug. "Just tell me I'm a horrible person."

"You're not a horrible person." Rolling her eyes, she adds, "Maybe lacking some sound judgment, but I mean... not a horrible person, exactly."

"Thanks."

"But damn, Rosalyn, that's kind of messed up. I don't get it."

Running my hands through my hair, I groan. "I know, I know. I can't explain it though, Natalia. We just..." I think the look on my face says it all, and she seems to understand.

"I guess that's why he seems to care so much about you. I mean, you're practically his girlfriend."

The indignation on my face is swift. "I am not. Nero is not a good guy. Maybe we're attracted to each other and maybe he cares about me, and maybe I have a blindspot when it comes to him, but it's not, like, a thing."

"Mhm."

"Natalia."

The sigh she gives me doesn't sound like good news, but it doesn't sound bad either. "What do you want me to say to you, Rosalyn? Nero is many things but he is not the kind of guy a girl like you should be involved with."

"I know."

"Or any girl, really."

"I know."

"And, yeah, he's very pretty, but, Rosalyn—" She holds my gaze hostage, her eyes as piercing as her cousin's. "It can never, ever work. You and I both know it."

Another sigh. "I know."

"Okay then." Sitting back in her chair, she keeps her eyes on me and I know she's trying to dig deep into my thoughts, my soul, my deepest and darkest secrets.

She must see something because she leans forward, suddenly serious. "Oh, Rosalyn." She sounds so sorry for me. "Don't you dare tell me that you're falling for him."

I think the expression on my face melts, and she sees more than she should. Reaching for my hand across the table, she tilts her head to the side, understanding. "It's not just a small thing, is it?"

I swallow, struggling. "I don't know anymore. Every time I'm around him things get more and more complicated and... I have a boyfriend, Natalia. An amazing, incredible, perfect boyfriend who is everything I could ever possibly need, except a part of me..." Saying it out loud, to someone else, makes it feel like the truth. "Part of me is next door, with him, and it's a part that I can't take back no matter how hard I try."