The Bucket List (A Niall Horan Fanfic)

chapter 34: Never Good Enough

When I got ran back to the room that I had emerged from, I plowed my body into the couch that was pushed against the wall. I shoved my face into the arm of the couch, refusing to let tears come out of my eyes.

I trusted them and they betrayed me. They're doing their best to make me as unappealing as possible. They are just like the kids that I went to school with; fake and fickle. Flash me a smile, but talk crap behind your back. "Are you okay?" I heard Harry's deep voice ask as I lifted my face from the soft material. "What did you say about me in Australia," I whimpered. He squinted his eyes at me, trying to recall the night. "Who told you?" he asked, as he slowly walked into the room and sat down next to me on the couch. "Zayn," I confessed, looking down at my knotted hands, "The day after." "So why do you care now?" he asked, looking at me with his long arms stretched out in front of him, resting on his knees and his hands crossed within each other. "What did you say?" I repeated, looking ahead, tears threatening. "Hope," he started with a sigh, "I was tired and angry that you never fancied me. I knew that it was wrong, but I tried to make you jealous with Christina, but it didn't work. I just ended up falling for her," he said, this time it was his turn to avoid my glare. My eyes grew wide with disbelief. I knew he was a phony. I knew it. How could he? Christina deserves the very best, not this crap. "How could you?" I asked, shaking my head in disbelief. In that moment I couldn't comprehend what I had just heard properly to have an actual physical reaction. "So what did you say about me?" I asked one last time. I waited for Harry as he turned to face me, his green eyes filled with guilt. He didn't say a word. "Get out," I said quietly, hearing my voice waver. He didn't move. He just helplessly sat there as if he had something to say, but couldn't get the words out. "Get out!" I finally screamed as I threw my finger at the door. He slowly got up and walked to the door before he turned around, looked me straight in the eye, shook his head and said, "I was right about everything I said about you."

The rest of the day I refused to look at any of the boys. I did sound check with my gaze buried in my piano. It was only during the show that I plastered an unbelievably convincing smile on my face because after all, that was part of the job description. While I was playing, all I could think about was how much I wanted to be done with this tour and leave for New York. Of course, I didn't want to leave Niall and I would miss Louis terribly, but I was finished with the rest of the boys. I was so sure that they hated me and that was something that I couldn't bear to even think about. I'm a perfectionist and I needed everyone to at least like me. When we finally finished the show that seemed to drag on for forever and ever, I marched to my dressing room to change and leave. I just wanted to crash in my bed. As I made my way to my dressing room, I avoided the boys at all costs, which even meant hiding behind a rack of clothes as Liam walked by. I sighed as I pulled on cotton shorts and a light sweater. Slipping on my moccasins, I remembered that the hotel was a ten minute walk from the arena. The last thing I wanted to do was be stuck in a car with the boys. I slung my bag over my shoulder as I snuck out of my dressing room, hoping I wouldn't be noticed by anybody. As I walked down the still bustling streets of downtown Memphis, Tennessee in the darkness with my messenger bag around my shoulder, I brought my hands to my arms and rubbed them slowly as if they could bring me comfort. I didn't want to be alone. I wished more than anything that I could run to my mommy and bury myself in her shoulder as she embraced me. I wanted her to tell me that everything would be okay and that I would make it through. I still do. I probably always will. But I was alone. At least till I saw a limo pull over about twenty meters in front of me. I stopped, squinting at the silhouette who got out of the car, shut the door and stood facing me on the sidewalk as the limo drove away. I watched in the dimmed lights of passing cars and street lights as the body moved closer, revealing blonde hair and familiar blue eyes. "I thought you were going out," I called out as he walked closer and closer. I watched as he shrugged. "I was more concerned about you walking outside alone," he said, as he finally came within half a foot of me. "I just needed fresh air," I said, slowly as I looked up and into his eyes before I moved past him and kept walking. "What's wrong?" he bluntly asked as he followed me. I paused to look up at him before I looked down at my worn moccasins, "I heard you talking to Liam and Zayn and then I freaked out at Harry," I said sighing as I dragged my hand through my hair. "I understand if I'm not good enough for you." I looked up at Niall who looked sort of baffled. "How could you ever say that?" he said, shaking his head. "Don't listen to what the lads say. They're just afraid that-" "I know, I know. They're afraid that I'll go to Julliard and forget them and this and you," I cut him off. "What did Harry say about me?" I murmured. "Why does it matter?" Niall asked, exasperated. "Because he said that he was right in saying those things, today," I said, looking up to see the hotel at the end of the block. Niall didn't say anything, so I looked to him. His eyes were grim and his lips were tightly pressed. "I'll talk to him," he gruffly said. "No. Don't," I said, grabbing his hands as if it would stop his every move, his every thought, his every reaction. He looked back at me, puzzled, when I realized that I had actually stopped myself. I slid my mouth to the side in an apologetic smile and kept walking. He squeezed my hand, but my tone remained firm. "Don't mention it to him." "Fine." he said, quietly. I didn't totally believe him. "It's my mess. I'll fix it myself," I said more gently. "And Niall," I said before he looked down at me, with eyebrows raised, giving me his full attention, "I promise I won't forget you."