lies ↬ fillie

nine

- spitfire & bambi.

i uncrossed my legs and stretched them across the wooden bench, shivering in the cold. i hugged my chest with my arms, tucking them underneath my armpits to keep warm. i looked down at my world history homework, finishing the last sentence of my alexander the great essay. i huffed, tucking my binder inside my bookbag that lay underneath the bench. i took out my journal, blowing invisible dust specks off of the cover.

it had been a while since i had written in my journal. i hadn't written since that day. i had no reason to, anyway. my motivation before to write had vanished. the boy who i dedicated the whole thing to wasn't even in my life anymore. it seemed like he had vanished also.

i opened the book to the last page i had written down my lyrics on. september 7th, it said, mocking me almost. i clicked on my phone, looking at the date. it's been exactly three months since i've written in my journal. i sighed, reading what i had last wrote.

you're never gonna love me, so what's the use?
what's the point in playing, a game you're gonna lose?

i get out a pen, nibbling on the rubber grip as i think of more lyrics. i raise my eyebrow as i write a few words, slowly singing them to a tune inside my head.

what's the point in saying you love me like a friend?
what's the point in saying it's never gonna end?

as i write, my writing becomes harsh. i think of everything that's happened in the past weeks, the pain she's caused. the pain he's caused. i start scribbling down words, pressing my pen into the paper.

you're too proud to say that you've made a mistake
you're a coward 'til the end

a drop of water falls onto the page, right on the letter d and makes the ink spread. i glance at the grey sky, squinting my eyes. it's not raining, i thought. i felt a tickle on my cheek and slowly reached up to my face with my hand and brushed my cheek. i pulled my hand away and held it before my eyes, slowly coming to the realization that i was crying. i bent down to continue to write, letting out what i've needed to for the past month.

i don't wanna admit, but we're not gonna fit
no, i'm not the type that you like
why don't we just pretend?

i let out a sniffle, and brushed my nose with the the back of my hand, rubbing it on my jeans. i was crying a bit harder now, but not noticeable enough for strangers to be worried if they walked by. i kept writing, faster now, but lighter than before. as i wrote, i sang the lyrics again, but out loud.

lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know
i can't let you go, can't let you go
i just want it to be perfect
to believe it's all been worth the fight
lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know

"hey, that's some nice singing you got there." i looked up quickly, at a redhead standing above me. her hands were in the pockets of her black coat and she had on bright red snowboots with the ends of her light-wash ripped jeans tucked into them. i blushed suddenly, looking back down at my journal.

"t-thanks. i usually don't sing out loud," i chuckled, mostly to myself. "or in public really, but lately-" i stopped myself. i barely knew this girl, and i'm telling her my business? i mentally rolled my eyes. not like i cared who knew anyways. i have nothing to lose anymore.