ASCENSION: BOOK 2 - SHADOW BLOODS.

Chapter 13: A Broken Soul.

I struggled to open my eyes as I fought to breathe. My head felt as though a fire was burning inside of it. Every part of my body that was injured in battle hurt, including the bullet wound in my chest that still hadn't fully healed.
I felt nothing under the influence of the Reaper Drug, no pain, no feeling, but now its effects were wearing off.
My vision couldn't focus on the people around me as I lay bound to a medical table. I tried to speak, but struggled to form words. Agonising pain surged though me, completely unbearable as I felt my soul ready to give up.
I faded away into darkeness, no white light awaited, no comforting welcome from loved ones that had been lost to us over the years. If this was death then it was a hollow and lonely entity, void of life. I allowed it to embrace me, knowing after what I'd become this was all I deserved.
No sooner had I accepted my fate than a bolt of electricity spiked through my body and mind. It tried to pull me from the shadows, but my soul did everything it could to resist. A second charge hit, ripping me back to a world I no longer felt I could be a part of.
Returning to consciousness, I gasped for air, my eyes wide open, the noise of those around me echoed through my head. It felt horrific, like a sensory overload after the silence of a deep slumber. Lights shone in my eyes, invasive and blinding. As I focussed my sight, I saw my mother looking over at me, concerned rested upon her face, "Clarke, can you hear me?"
Barely able to speak, I gave her an answer that broke her heart, "You should have let me go. You should have let me die."
I could feel the tears falling from my eyes in despair. Remaining alive meant only one thing, I would now have to face the aftermath that Wanheda had left me with. I knew in my heart that my demons would not be kind.

I drifted in and out of consciousness over the next few days as the Reaper Drug began to completely leave my system. The shakes, the sweats, the nausea and the headaches were bad enough, but the hallucinations were the worst. I saw the faces of those I'd killed coming back to haunt me, calling me a traitor to my people, to my Commander.
I'd carried extra phials of the drug with me onto the battlefield, knowing my mother now had them, I begged her to give me my red saviour to take the pain away. Each time she refused.
As I was riding out the drug from my body, Abby had restricted my visitors to medical personnel only. It was a hard road to travel. When I was awake everything hurt, not just physically but mentally, deep in my soul. When I slept I had nightmares like nothing I'd ever experienced, visions of my time in The Mountain and of the monster that dwelled within me.
I felt little relief coming out of the other side of the Reaper Drug. It had left me with the scars of my actions. I'd murdered Otan to prove my loyalty to The Mountain, told Cage all I knew about Lexa and the clans and rode onto that battlefield with the intention to kill my kin and the woman I loved. There was no part of me that didn't feel a sense of self loathing for what I had done.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I looked down at my hands, now free of their restraints. They were shaking as I turned them to see tiny cuts from battle. I focused on the black blood around them, wishing it was still red. In that moment these tiny scars became a stark reminder of what I had done and who I now was.
My concentration was broken as my mother entered the room, "You're awake. How do you feel?"
"I have no answer to that," I coldly replied, trying not to look her in the eyes.
She sat beside me, her voice calm and sincere as she spoke, "Clarke, you owe yourself forgiveness. They forced this on you, stripped you of any semblance of consent. Anything that happened after you were taken is on Cage not you."
I contiuned to avoid eye contact with her, "Its hard to see it that way. Whether I like it or not there's a part of me that did those things. Forgiveness is a mercy I'm not worthy of."
"You're wrong, Clarke. I'm not the only one who understands this..." she paused, as I finally looked at her, before she continued "... Will you see her?"
Abby's request filled me with dread. I had shattered my own heart, yet it still yearned for her, for my Heda. I nodded back at my mother knowing there was no running from this.

I watched as my mother left the room. There was a brief moment of solitude between the shifting of dynamics. My mouth went dry, my palms sweated and my heart rate elevated. Why was I doing this? Why didn't I just take what I could carry and leave? The answer was simple, because I loved her, because I needed her forgiveness above all others.
As the door opened, she entered the room alone. She was still dressed in formal attire, still standing tall as I always expected my warrior women to do so. I stood to my feet, the pain from the dagger wound in my leg making it somewhat difficult, but I owed it to Lexa out of respect. There was a moment we just looked at each other, as though we were trying to reconnect, to find our way back to one another.
With tears in my eyes I was the first to break the silence, "I have no words, Lexa. There's nothing I can say to ever make this right."
She paused to look at the sorrow upon my face, her own tears falling down her cheeks.
Within a heartbeat she walked over to me and pulled me into her arms. As I sank into her embrace, it reminded me that this was the only place I ever felt complete. Lexa was my world, the love of my life and Cage had done everything possible to shatter that bond.
Looking up at her, I saw the injury I had caused to the flesh above her eye. I cupped her cheek with my palm and searched her face with concern, "I'm so sorry."
She placed a gentle kiss upon my lips before speaking, her voice full of fire and compassion, "What they did to you in that Mountain, what they took from you, is unforgivable. If they thought for one second I'd give up on you, they were wrong. 'Your burden is my burden,' remember those words you once spoke to me."
My lip quivered, overwhelmed by Lexa's voice. I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against her's, lost in her arms. "I love you, Heda."
She wiped the tears from my eyes and brought her lips to meet mine, whispering into the kiss, "I love you too. We'll find a way through this even if I have to tear that Mountain down piece by piece."
I knew she would always fight for me and that I would always love her but a part of my soul felt so broken after Mount Weather and the events on that battlefield. I couldn't put it behind me because I knew the nightmare wasn't over. I'd seen too much in that Mountain, I knew what was still left to come. Our fight was not over.