To My Dearest

2021

A year and a month has passed and here I am doing just fine without her.

“Ya Kim Taehyung, when are you going to stop drinking!”

I heard Suga hyung called out. Just imagining his cute angry face is enough to make me giggle.

I tried to stand up and the world suddenly spun.

“Panda hyung!” I slurred and threw my arms at my Daegu brother.

“How did this happen again?” Suga said in a low voice.

“Just last night. He had been drinking my beer and I’m seriously thinking of throwing this piece of shit out of our house.”

“You’re mean. Panda hyung, Namjoon hyung’s bullying me…where’s Jin eomma?”

“He’s acting like that because it’s Lisa’s birthday today.” Joonie said totally ignoring me.

“You bet I am!” I giggled. “That bitch. How dare she break up with me. That bitch…that sexy beautiful amazing kind-hearted…bitch…”

“The fuck is he saying?”

I can’t make out their faces anymore because my head feels heavy and it seems like all the weight of the planet is on my shoulders.

“Just take him to bed hyung, before I do what I mustn’t do.”

“Help me or I’m the one throwing him out!”

I suddenly felt my feet leave the floor. Then I remembered something…
Few seconds later, I felt my back touched the bed. So kind of my members to toss me like a sack.

“Phone…phone, where’s my phone.”

“Ya where’s his phone?”

“Don’t give him his phone hyung.”

“I want to call Lisaaaa!!!” I groaned but I couldn’t lift my limbs.

“Stop it Tae, you’re already done with this phase. Have mercy on us and don’t get us through that emotional train wreck of yours again.”

“Psh…you’re boring!”

“Stop being a brat! You’re worst than Jimin.”

“Please call Lisa…beg her to take me back again…hyung…please…”

“This guy is hopeless.”

I didn’t hear anything after that because my body and brain gave up and I succumbed to sleep.

Weeks passed after that scene with me, Suga hyung and Namjoon hyung. It took time before I can show my face to them without being awkward. I thought that I’ve moved on from her too but when her birthday came, all the memories we shared together poured back to me like it was only yesterday. I’ve missed her so much.

I’ve come to realize that I can never bring myself to hate her. Because, it’s slowly sinking into me why she had to sacrifice. And I was so willing to throw it all away like getting here to where I am now is an easy thing.

Had she listened to me and confessed to the world, my fans and her fans will surely hate us. And our haters will destroy the image that we’ve built and it’ll ruin our careers because other than being an idol, what can I do? Can I have a normal office day job after life as a celebrity?

I don’t think they’ll let me survive.

Maybe Lisa is right. We just needed a break.

Today, I’m heading to Jeju to participate to an auction. I’m getting recognized as a photographer and now I’m going to open some of my works for bidding. All proceeds will go to the orphanage I’m helping in Thailand.