MY COMING OUT STORY

Why I'm as Fucked Up as I am :)

I'd just like to start by saying I'm incredibly thankful for the reads that I'm getting and I'm gonna try and start writing a little more again. back to the story 

So anyway the last part of this story I just talked about how things were incredibly awkward with me and Selena.

things are still incredibly awkward, and they've gotten worse

last summer, and at the beginning of this school year, I thought things were going to be okay between me and her. we had been texting a little more, laughing with each other, finally starting to be friends again (even if I did do cringey shit like text her paragraphs about why our relationship had been so fucked up). I was still awkward toward her sometimes, but overall things were good between us. I had a new crush, and I was in better health mentally then I had been in a long time. 

homecoming at our school is in the beginning of October. I'm an extremely shy person, but I went to homecoming with a group of friends anyway. it was lovely, even though I was on edge all night just because of the stress of it all 

and Selena and I were still, to my knowledge, doing okay. we weren't as close as we used to be, but thats's fine. you can't expect to be best friends again after dating and breaking up 

about halfway through the night she grabbed my wrist, hard. I immediately began having a panic attack as she dragged me away from my group of friends, the people who knew I was already struggling and may need their help.

she didn't even have the decency to drag me out of the gym. the only thing she did, and I'm sure what she meant to do, was separate me from my friends, the people who would've helped me.

I kept telling myself I wasn't gonna cry. I wasn't gonna be the girl who cried at homecoming. but she kept screaming at me. yelling about how I was avoiding her, about how she didn't know what she had done wrong. at this point people were staring. and I was crying. I was having a full blown panic attack and I couldn't take it anymore, I yanked my arm away from her and ran, sobbing, back to the place where my friends had been.

they were gone

and then I saw my best friend, Ryan. he was the only one who knew the full story of my relationship with Selena. I ran to him, sobbing, and wrapped my arms around his neck. he quickly picked up on my cries of "she was yelling at me" and brought me off of the dance floor to a secluded place to help to calm me down (no but fr Ryan is the best thing in my life I love him so much) 

I walked around with him for a while until I found the group of friends I had arrived with. several of them were crying. "we looked everywhere for you" "Selena told us what happened" Ryan squeezed my hand and stood with me for a little longer until me and my group of friends decided to go back out onto the dance floor. 

Ryan tracked Selena down and told her to leave me the fuck alone, at least for the night.

my friends and I left early, and went back to one of their houses for a sleepover. it was still a fun night, because I have some great support systems. 

I later found out that when Selena had found my friends, she had not only outed me to them, she had also told them that she "tried to talk to me and I ran away crying"

so for weeks I would have panic attacks when I saw Selena in the halls. she was spreading rumors about me, trying to turn my friends against me. 

and she still is

and I just don't know what to do