How To Be a Loser in Middle School: A Step-By-Step Guide

Alfred Jones: The Nerdiest Jock You Can Imagine

(picture belongs to aki-psyche -- seriously check them out they make the cutest stuff)

Everyone knew Alfred. He was that tiny, dorky hipster who fanboyed over anything space- or sports-related. If you needed him, you could find him watching the football team practice after school from underneath the bleachers whilst also studying how to build a rocket. And, yeah, he was the trouble child who snuck into the library after hours and stole two encyclopedias, then lost them. He was probably the only child who had ever succeeded at being both the nerdiest and jockiest being on the planet, and he was perfectly happy with that. Even if both the librarians and the football team were severely creeped-out by him due to his endless stalking. But so what if everyone thought he was a little messed-up in his prefrontal cortex? He was content.

Well, he thought he was. Then he realized he wasn't an astronaut, a rocket scientist, or even just on the football team. He stared down at his encyclopedia -- one that he actually bought, not one of the ones he stole. He still hadn't found either of those -- and picked at his food. Something shifted beside him and he looked up.

"Sitting alone again?" Matthew offered a kind smile, which Alfred gratefully returned.

"Yeah, I guess," he shrugged.

"What're you reading there?" his twin leaned over to look at the encyclopedia. It was opened to a page on astronomy. "Of course...wait, isn't that the one from the library?" Matthew raised an eyebrow. Alfred just shook his head.

"No, but it's to replace one of the ones that I stole."

"And lost."

"...Yeah, and lost," he repeated as though the book was an actual person whom he murdered accidentally.

"So why are you reading it?"

Alfred pouted, "C'mon, man, at least let me read part of it before I have to sacrifice it to the librarians!"

Matthew just rolled his eyes, "'Sacrifice it'. You act like you couldn't just go in and check it out."

"I don't have that much time before school!"

"What about after school then?"

"No way, man! That's when football practice starts."

Matthew stared at him, "You're not even in footba--no, Al, c'mon. You can't actually enjoy watching them practice."

Alfred hugged his book close, "'Course I can. And I can just as easily want to join the team."

Matthew frowned disapprovingly, "Of all the groups, Al..."

Alfred stuck out his tongue in response, "You're not our mom."

"Right, but Mom won't let you play football remember? She said it was--"

"'Too dangerous,'"Alfred finished in the most annoying nagging-mom voice he could possibly emit from his vocal chords.

Alfred watched in frustration as his twin's frown only grew deeper and even more disapproving, "Mom doesn't sound like that."

Alfred groaned, "Whatever! Dangerous-shmangermous! She just wants to make my life miserable."

Matthew shook his head, "Y'know, bud, I really love you, but sometimes you just act so...immature. She does have a point, you know. Football is one of the more dangerous sports out there..."

Now it was Alfred's turn to stare, "Oh, so now you're siding with her? Fine, I'll go eat in the library." He stood up, sticking his tongue out once again at Matthew and heading down the hall. Matthew stood up immediately, panicking a little bit. It only reminded Al that even his twin was taller than him, if only by a centimeter.

"Al, Al, no. I don't think that's allowed. You'll get in big trouble. Al! Al, listen to me!"

Alfred smirked at the reaction and kept walking.

"Al, Al, please, come back. I'm sorry for acting like Mom. Just come back. Now. Please. Please, Al..." but nothing Matthew said had any effect. Alfred had already made up his mind: he was going to join the football team and he was going to eat his lunch in the library whether Matthew liked it or not. Okay, Mom was a problem. How to get around her? Alfred pondered this as he walked into the library.

He pondered so hard that he ran into something very large and very cold, dropping his tray and letting out the most unmanly yelp you can possibly imagine.

A part of him registered the startled Russian accent yelp right back, "Gah! Прости! I am very sorry!"

Ye so this is out MUCH sooner than I expected hehe turns out I actually had time on my hands today...