Confused Thoughts

Confused Thoughts Part Three

Two day later and I'm back home with all of these swarming questions that never end. Over the course of the last two days a lot has happened. So how much is a lot? Lets make a small list shall we? One, all the pain has come back, both mentally and physically, I guess I'm just an unsolved mystery; two, people are leaving and this time they arnt coming back, its just making everything else hurt; three, food has become an unknown problem over the course of the last few days; four, waiting hurts more than losing, but what hurts more than that is when you've waited, made your choice to change something, but just about everything stays the same.

Four things, doesn't seem like much does it? But in those four things, is a lot to be explained and a lot to figure out. I bet there was more that happened in the last two days, but those were the big things, the ones that really stuck out, that I couldn't seem to get out of my head. Those four things seemed like they were these objects that were sticky and stuck to the walls of my brain, or that closed box that nothing gets out of.

Lets see if I cant break this all down into context for you guys.

Have you ever been hit something hard, or big, or even been hit at all by anything, and its like pain that runs through your body? That's what I felt but times ten. It was both the physical and mental pain that hit me all at once and I didn't entirely know how to control what I was feeling or thinking. I could feel the pain in my sides like someone was punching my ribs and finding some sort of sick pleasure out of it and then my mind kept running, saying everything and anything I had tried so hard to keep somewhere where it wouldn't be found again. But the pain that I was feeling somehow happened to open the door that those thoughts were hidden behind and let them escape, it let them run free in my mind and I don't know how to put those thoughts back behind that door again to make sure they are hidden.

Some of those thoughts that I tried so hard to hide, was the ones about everyone and everything I cared most about leaving and never coming back, that alone hurts more than most things. There are only a couple people in the entire world that I actually care about, and most of them are leaving, and it hurts more and more each day and I cant stop thinking about it. Its like an open wound that never heals, that just stays open and keeps hurting and hurting more and more every day.

Food. Mmmm, yummy amazing food. Well than if its so amazingly yummy, than why is it I don't want it? Why is it that I'm never hungry and when I am, I just...don't eat. It hurts to eat and its complicated, its like eating is something that I shouldn't be doing, like it's a crime of some sort. But by not eating, am I hurting everyone else and myself, in the long run? Or is that just a hidden thought that should be kept hidden, like it's a crime that I've committed but am keeping it totally secret and "laying low?"

About 3 days or so ago, I made a choice, but by making that choice, it had changed nothing. Everything had stayed the same and even though I gave someone what they wanted, they left, and I'm left hurting for them. But is that fair? Is my suffering for them the right thing or should I say screw it and give up? Or is it better to keep fighting for the things you want the most? Leaving is the one thing that hurts the most. Leaving and never coming back is like saying hello without the goodbye if that makes any sense. But who knows what entirely the right thing is. To one person leaving might mean a new start, but to the other leaving might mean breaking down and suffering until they can figure out how to let go. That's another thing that is one of the hardest things to do, is let go. Why would you risk letting go and losing something that means everything? But if they are gone there's nothing you can do about it, they are forcing you to let go, almost like dropping you onto the hard ground and when you hit is when your body automatically lets go.

So many questions, but not nearly enough answers to answer those unsolved questions.