About Me (Please Don't Read Its Embarrassing)

And the Days Go By

So here I am. I finished High School barely acheiving my diploma. I had to go to an alternative school that was only three hours long. Basically they prepared you for the GED until you had to take it. IF you passed the GED they gave you a high school diploma instead, so long as you went through the program. Does any of that make since?

I had a job during my last year of high school. I was a carry out boy at a grocery store. I pushed the cart out for the customers and helped them unload there groceries. Worst job ever. The worst part about it wasn't the actually job, but the social interactions. You see, everyone I worked with were around the same age as me and those are the people its hardest for me to talk to. Six months I worked at that grocery store and I probably said a total of one hundred words to the ones who worked with me. That is not a lot. Iv'e already written near two hundred words in this entry. 

I'd say things like "Yeah" "Okay" "No" "I don't know" "Maybe" "Yes" "What" "Hi" that's it. 6 months and that's all I said. In the beginning they thought I was just a little shy, but as the months went by it became apparent that I was a fucking weirdo. They would say things like "Why are you so quiet?" "Do you ever talk?" "He doesn't even care" "He's like fuck these guys" "Hey come sit with us don't be a loner" Things like that. They just couldn't wrap their heads around why someone could be like me. I understand completely why they would feel that way. In my life I have never seen someone more queit and shy than I was, well am.

Today I am nineteen years old and I have come to realize that what everyone else thinks doesn't even matter. Its what I think that matters. I've come to accept that I am a quiet person and nothing is going to change that. Its who I am. 

Although it does hold me back. I can't even get a job because I'm scared to talk to people. Even going into a gas station to pay for gas or by a soda is like the end of the world for me, but I gotta do it. People say face your fears. Well I face my fears every fucking day and there is still no change. What the fuck?

I keep telling myself the same thing. Grow a pair of balls and say what needs to be said then get the fuck out of there. That's me. The only way to gain courage is to do the thing that you need courage to do. Have you ever heard that? Its so true and that's so fucked up.

Well anyways that's who I am now a days.