Don't Be Scared • Frerard

[Chapter 1]; Enemies and Memories

"Don't do that!" someone hugged me by the torso. My eyes shot open with shock. I started fighting so I can fall, but the person holding me gave their best to keep me alive for some reason. Who the hell would do that? I was so ready to die! I didn't want to live in this misery anymore! Anyways, who would even want me to live? It actually takes a lot of courage for a person to take their life away and stopping them makes them feel like they have failed, like they are a loser. Though, I knew I was already a loser.

"No! Let me go!" I screamed. I didn't recognize the voice of the person, still holding me, but more tightly now. They were strong, I couldn't move even if I wanted to, and I really did want to. I didn't even try to stop my tears.

"Don't take the jump, there's a lot more in front of you, kid" they talked more slowly now, starting to pull me on the other side - the safe side. I would rather label it as the unwanted side for me. I just didn't want to be saved, in fact I did want to be saved, but I just have a different vision of saving than this person.

That's what I thought about a lot during planning suicide. If someone stops me, should I be thankful or should I hate them for doing that. I mean, if I wanted to die, they should have allowed me to fulfill my wish.

"Calm down, it's all gonna be okay" they said. Their voice was somewhere in between male and female. It was very soft, but still demanding. More male though. It made me calm down, but I still wasn't happy with the fact that I'm breathing. They sounded very sincere as if it was their - probably his - task to save someone, in this scenario, me.

They turned me around and I just pushed my face on their shoulder, crying. I noticed it was definitely a man, but I couldn't make myself to look at his face. I just felt like he was the devil himself because only a monster would want someone to live like me.

"Shh" he whispered. I felt goosebumps run over my spine. What if I actually am dead? What if he isn't real? What if he is just a demon that will take me to hell? "Listen to me, please"

He pulled me away, his palms resting on my ribs. His face crumbled a little from cringing at my very noticeable ribs that lacked some fat to cover them. Many people have already told me that I am to thin, but I felt better than ever when my stomach applauded me for eating less. I just felt as if I finally made someone proud "Why are you doing this?"

I wasn't sure if I even wanted to answer this or I was just unsure of the answer I would give so I cried, trying to catch my breath so I can answer "I-I don't w-want t-t-t" I hiccupped from lack of air entering my lungs "to live a-anymore"

If it wasn't obvious enough.

My eyes burned from crying, plus the fact that I was still looking at this pathetic world that just passed that adjective on me, and I was still shaking. My brain wasn't actually functioning right. Simply the adrenaline from the suicide, attempt sadly, made my brain panic more than usual because it went through the whole story of my life. I never liked remembering all of that and I was hoping that this would be the last time I even think, but all of those memories were just stabbing me even more now. Laughing at me for failing.

"No, honey, you are just living the wrong life now. Don't end it, just change it" he smiled a genuine smile. His eyes flickered as if I could see his soul shining at me. Maybe like he went through the same before. For some reason I felt like he was my guardian angel or the demon taking me to hell. His body was shaking as well, probably from the second he saw me or simply from the fact that he was holing me so I don't fall so his muscles were tired.

I shook my head, completely disagreeing with him. There was no way I could ever change this, too many memories and too many enemies.