Yellow

chapter one: golden fields

            Over-sized denim hanging off of my skin in ripples. Rips in just the right places to tell the holes match your knees perfectly, but not mine. Yet there was something oddly soothing about having the fabric brush my skin the way it has brushed against yours, the way that at the time I didn't realize I desired to. Chilling fall air filled with aromas of orange and yellow fell upon the fields of golden straw swaying gracefully, With a grace that reminded me of the way you moved though a room. I was snapped out of my trance by the sweet nervous voice behind me

" Hey, um sorry those old jeans... were all I had clean"  

" they still have mud stains"  I replied through a light laugh    

   " the only jeans I had semi-clean then, haha"       

His smiles and voice were just intoxicating to say the least. Some people with just one look into their deep blue ocean eyes, can make all of your morals crumble like the sand which meets their waves but I was determined to take a dip into the water and not drown. 

" what were you staring at through the window?"  

 His voice drifted into mine as I answered

" the hay, or alfalfa, or whatever its called I, I don't know much about farms I'm just a lost city girl"  looking at the hardwood floor and curling my toes against it feeling embarrassed for my lack of knowledge about his life. His warm calloused hand lifts my chin so our eyes met

 " don't be embarrassed maybe you just need more experience" 

having him taking note of my rosy cheeks just made them bloom a deeper shade of red, my attention shifted from my body to his as he slipped out the sliding glass door. watching him swiftly slip on boots had made me wonder how many times he pulled those old things over his feet, how many grains of sand were trapped under the soles, how many places he had been in that then left footprints on the world, How many hearts he had left marks on before my own? 

" hey, M wait!" 

stepping backwards the heel of my foot manages to find chucks; with just as much speed as the field dancing wind, my fingers tied up the high-tops street torn laces. chasing after This yellow boy made me question what color my soul shone in his eyes, in the eyes of the people around me. lungs filling with fresh brisk air and legs pushing past the growing plants seemed to move in slow motion compared to the speed of my mind. His silhouette wasn't too far from my body but I stood in appreciation of beauty as the sun set behind him.

" why are you just standing there with glowing eyes, I took you out here to show you something" M spoke as he stretched out his had for me to grasp, taking it lightly I responded...

" I just love the sky when it is being set afire thats all, where are we going?" 

" not too far..." 

But it was far. Hay bales and a flipped over wagon for harvesting pumpkins became a clear picture my eyes drifted upon from over his shoulder. forts, just like when we were younger scaling bales and digging holes to hide in from imaginary soldiers on the opposite side of our war. a smile crept onto my face and I tried not to let him see in fear of blushing, but I'm sure he already had. we stopped walking and he let go of my hand, I was a bit taken back forgetting he had held on so long, it just felt so normal, like it was always supposed to happen. In this moment I was aware of everything happening around me, feeling every movement with more weight and emotion than normal. The way we stood alone together the only people for about a mile in each direction. The way the hay crunched under his cowboy boots as he turned sideways and gestured for me to crawl into the straw den. The dim dark blue light left hanging in the air from the approaching night and the cool it left on my skin. The quaint size of the rough shelter just big enough for two bodies our size to sit, with little space for a lantern that had been left there. The way the small space rose in temperature from our combined body heat seemed comforting to me. Not just the actions, but the words had a deep effect on me also. 

" Do you remember the first time we built one of these? we must have been 8 years old" he said with nostalgia and I took note of how his voice seemed deeper when we were this close. 

" I do, we attempted to stay up all night just defending our headquarters from the bad guys and to star gaze. we were determined to stay there until dawn and even packed ourselves a dinner of PB&J sandwiches since those were the only things we knew how to make."   

" we never made it to the morning did we?" he questioned through a smile. 

" Don't even think we made it till 11 pm" I answered and now we were both smiling. 

" Life seemed so simple back then no hard decisions, no complex emotions, no responsibility. sometimes I just wish we could go back 10 years and I was reminded of that looking at you in the sunset." I confessed looking into his eyes. 

" so, the glowing in your eyes... was it from the sunset? or from me?" he asked with a nervous hope that I wasn't just in awe of the golden clouds.

" you know how much I love the sky... but you are the reason my eyes are glowing right now" my voice was so light and sweet I wasn't sure if he heard me at first. Again my mind raced faster than my body but my heartbeat seemed to catch up. Worried if I asked he felt the same way he would shoot me down but even more fearful of what was to happen if he had the same glow. 

" my eyes have always shone for you Xae." 

My heart completely stopped when he had said my name, he always calls me X, always. Ever since we were old enough to speak we called each other by our first initial and hearing my full name just proved to me what he had said was reality. Even if it was reality it took a minuet to set in, I've never felt this way about anyone it was energizing as well as terrifying. Feelings always had been different for me, I knew I experienced them in another way than most people, All the sadness was darker than any normal teenager should feel but in turn so was the happiness, the hope and the desperation. Every human emotion I was made to feel in my life I experienced in different ways. Feeling love, or whatever this was with M, wasn't an exception to this part of who I am and how my brain was fundamentally different. So when I mention that the joy came with fear, they were just as strong as the love and doubts but in my mind the Good was worth the Bad. 

The words " Why didn't you say anything earlier?" finally escaped my mouth after being speechless for a little longer than I meant to. 

" I was nervous you wouldn't feel the same way. We have always been friends, just friends, I didn't want to ruin that friendship if I was the only one feeling this. I know you struggle with feelings and I didn't want to loose you because of my own" he spoke lightly scared that somehow others would hear even though we were all alone. 

Whispering back I explained " I knew that I felt differently about you when you taught me how to ride motorcycles up and down the dirt roads beside the canals that seemed to stretch on forever, flustered when I realized I had to wrap my arms around your waist tight enough to stay on, Guess I didn't say anything either in fear of loosing you completely." 

Watching as his hand lift from his knee onto my thigh then his eyes meeting mine M tempted        " X, you don't ever have to worry about loosing me completely." 
My lips couldn't be used for just talking any longer and we both felt the tension like a blanket woven from unspoken I love you's.
"It's getting a little hot in here" I mentioned as my sweatshirt slipped over my neck and fell from my arm.
" This lantern tends to generate a lot of heat" M spoke as his arm stretched out for the switch that was our only source of light.
*click*