Yellow

Chapter four: symphonies of red and yellow

The car windows were cold to the touch so I avoided accidentally brushing them in fear my fingertips would meet the dark. Completely content with my warmth I sat drifting into my thoughts like a seashell being pulled back into the tropical oceans it once came from. 6:50 and the party started at 7, 10 minutes to run through all of the possibilities this night could go and how the conversations with M would flow.

 6:51: Not very many people would be there and I would be stuck conversing with his grandma or aunt about what college I was planning on going to in the spring after graduation, and defending my decision to attend an art college. 

6:52: The house would be packed with people from his high school and his family from cousins all the way to great uncles and I wouldn't be able to find him in the mass of bodies all wishing each other merry Christmas even though the holidays weren't for another week or so.

6:53: We would hang out by the Bonfire which increased as if it were growing to compete with the size of my anxiety and I somehow would end up burned, probably due to my lips touching the tip of a beer bottle one too many times. 

6:54: I made my signature cookies with salt instead of sugar and his whole family would judge me even though they have tasted my cooking since I was old enough to open the oven door and use a stool to reach the temperature dials. 

6:55: As soon as the front door opens for some unknown reason all I'm able do is stumble over my words as if they were invisible barricades in front of me. "Cute smiles only go so far unless those mouths can speak like flowing water" runs through my mind on a loop.

6:56: He asks me how my family is doing lately and I accidentally tell some over the top lie out of nerves about one of them dying or winning the lottery. Lies which were evident because I was neither rich nor grieving. 

6:57: He introduces me to his girlfriend and I have to pretend like I'm not a side-hoe or that I was only his friend the whole time. Now that would be a train wreck seeing as my feelings for him seemed too large to just let go easily. 

6:58: His brother makes a move on me and M sees it storming off upset before seeing me turn him down and defend my love for him. 

6:59: I stay completely silent the entire time zoning out and thinking about wildly unimportant topics like how bad it would be to accidentally puncture an intestine while piercing your own belly button. 

7:00: This is it no more worrying about all that could go wrong, I had to knock on the door and face my fears of social interaction with a person I care deeply for. 

As soon as the wooden door creaked open The music was humming in the background and a red spirited girl smiled speaking the words " hello, come join the party" There was something different about her that made my mind linger as she was out of sight, something about the way she smelled, the way she moved seemed passionate but in a way that would end in pain. Trying to shake her off of my mind I searched for M hoping his yellow beaming happiness could calm the social anxiety in my chest. Asking around I came to find that M was upstairs talking to the DJ about playing more country songs, so I watched as my feet climbed the carpeted stairs. Grabbing his forearm I pulled him away from the speaker so we could talk without shouting and I asked how he had been since we last spoke ( which seemed like a while since the gaps of time between conversations be it in person or in texts grew wider each time) 

" I have been fine lately, just.. busy." M spoke and something within me felt off, worried I wasn't a priority to him. 

" Yea, I have been busy too, senior year and all applying to colleges trying to graduate ya know" I responded a little faster than I had planned so it seemed like some words were jumbled together.

" ya I know X, um hey I will talk to you later I need to do something." M spoke quickly as he fled, almost over his shoulder it had seemed.

an hour or two went by and he didn't come back to talk with me, my mind raced of reasons. He had to take care of something important for his mom, he needed to go to the store in town for a beer run, he had a call with a college at a scheduled time. so many reasons chalked up in my mind as to why he was justified in leaving me alone, but they all were smudged away when I saw him coming out of a bedroom with a girl, her hair messed up and face smiling unnaturally.  Turning away faster than M left I ran down the stairs hoping for an unnoticed exit, but my body stopped when I smelled red shades of perfume. 

" hey, I was meaning to talk to you, you left the door so hastily I never got the chance to tell you how beautiful your eyes are, they just sparkle." she spoke like smooth velvet and suddenly M wasn't on my mind.

" thank you, your eyes shine with a spark too." I replied confidently because something about her made me feel comfortable with myself.

" I don't usually do this because I am so clumsy but would you like to dance?" she questioned gesturing up the stairs which my feet basically slid down a moment earlier. 

" I don't see how someone who walks with such confidence can be a clumsy dancer, but I would like to find out." 

Smiling I took her hand leading back to the thud of music. 

somehow my feet fell one in front of the other, my mind and body swirling with sensation. pain and questioning M, joy and confidence brought on my this girl, perfectly exploding with emotion I needed an outlet to release them and dancing carelessly with a stranger seemed the perfect avenue. Jumping and swaying to the beat of old 2000's hip-hop brought me back to a normal state of mind. 5 or 6 songs later jumping turned into spinning warm bodies brushing together.

" My names' Aries if you were wondering" she shouted over the music 

" nice to meet you Aries I'm Xae" 

exhausted from the dancing and in great need of water I ventured for a drink as Aries began swaying with a friend from her school. 

" I saw you look upset earlier at me leaving the room with Brit my cousin, It probably looked peculiar if you hadn't known we were related. I needed to speak to her about my uncle, I will explain later its not exactly party conversation" M spoke from behind me in the kitchen. 

" I think I understand, But we don't talk as much anymore so I can't tell if I should believe you." 

His fingers lightly wrapping around my hand pulling it to his chest and his eyes meeting mine he spoke " we have something special I wouldn't give that up for some meaningless someone. I was talking to my cousin. there is no one else Xae." 

he said my full name again. 

standing amid the chaos of excited voices, frozen, my eyes couldn't decide weather or not I was drawn to yellow or red more.