you kiss me good night
you hug me when I come down for breakfast
you call every day when you're away
we live in the same house but
the many months we spent apart
created a distance
or was the distance already there?
and even though you came every weekend
you didn't share my life
i don't know if we can ever close that distance again or if I even want that anymore
there were days when I was relieved that you weren't at home because I was so angry at you
you drag us from city to city
in search of the perfect working place
but I don't understand why
are you running away from something?
are you just simply restless or in the search of a perfect place that
only exists in your imagination?
is that why you don't have close friends anywhere else than where you grew up?
and I don't know whether you know there's no such thing as
a perfect place
and the moment you realize that this new place doesn't satisfy you anymore, you move on?
dream big, thrive for the best, they say, but how far do you want to go?
how many cities do you want to get to know?
how do you want to settle somewhere when you get old, when the only thing you have ever known is motion?
make me understand; give me answers; explain; anything
can you even understand the eternal and pointless contemplation about what could have been?
when I asked you, you said: no, I didn't plan to move abroad when I was young
what changed your mind?
you didn't listen to mum's objections
you didn't mind your children's friendships
it seems that the only thing that ever mattered to you is your own perspective and future
i remember when you came home one weekend, maybe in June, and with silent passion and excitement in your voice you told us that you really liked your new job
it nearly sounded as if you were ashamed of uttering those words and as if you wanted to apologize for your joy and the expense at which it came
it almost sounded like an apology but the word "sorry" never left your mouth
i'm sure you took our feelings into account and you've shown that you feel guilty but
it still didn't keep you from moving on
we didn't argue because we wanted to make you happy and
I am sure you want that too but
did you work towards that?
how often do people do things only to make their loved ones happy, even if they sacrifice everything?
we change everything for you, we arrange our lives so that they fit yours, our lives revolve around yours just like the planets around the sun
but without us you wouldn't have anyone to shine for
only one of us showed you her honest and raw sadness
but you still continued.
i don't know much about love, but her love must be very deep to still keep following you no matter the fatigue
here I am now, holding up that illusion that I'm not sad or lonely at all and that I've integrated incredibly well into my new school and environment
yes, the people are nice, but that doesn't change the fact that I still spend most of my time with the same three people every day.
will that feeling of longing and pondering about what could have been ever go away? And if, how long is it going to take?
i'm between pessimism and realization that life has to move on in some way
not too long ago, I sat in the bathroom, crying because I had caused my friends so much pain and
because I hated myself for looking forward to starting anew
the day the school year started at my old place, I chatted with a friend
later I cried and wondered what could have been If I had stayed
i would have given so much to be able to be there with her
you know, I can have angry thoughts and I can write honest poems but
as soon as others start pointing out your weaknesses I rush to your defence
it seems like the only person I allow to hold a grudge on you, is myself
i'm eighteen now and the only thing I know for sure is that next time
your daughter is not going to be in for the ride anymore
