Waiting For The End

Failure

Life's not all roses. Mistakes help you grow. Failure is impossible to avoid.

All really lovely mantras one can easily repeat over and over again to make herself feel better, but ... in the end, it is what it is.

You see, when you grow up weighed down by expectations on one side, it's easy for fears to trap the wings that'd set your dreams free.

You start being petrified by doubts, terrified to disappoint them all, and when you do, because inevitably you will, it's just humanly impossible not to fail anyone, so when you do, the weight crushes down onto your shoulders, burying you deep, deep underground, from where you can't easily get out.

You sit there, trying to smile and laugh, yet all the while you're thinking, 'oh,if only they knew'. And it's not even the words they say, it's the ones they don't say that mark you the most. Or rather, it's the words they don't say to you.

You sit there, trying to smile and laugh, forcing out a carefree state that you'd so desperately want to drop, and all the while they tell you it's alright, you'll rise up again, you'll shine again, because 'you're good' ... yet the moment you turn your back, they start snickering, laughing, wondering how come you've become such a failure.

Maybe they don't say failure. They don't say the word per se. Maybe they say nothing at all, but you see them, you see the look in their eyes when they say it's alright.

It's not. You've failed. Failure has marked you deep, and whatever you do, it won't change. Not deep down you.

The thing about great expectations, it's when they're disappointed, they burn deeper than they usually would. Because you haven't only failed yourself, you've failed them too.

It's like standing in the middle of a crowd, hearing all those voice snicker and laugh, murmur behind your back. It's like a one word song drilling in your head over and over again. Failure. Failure. Failure. You're a failure. Failure. Failure.