Christmas is quickly approaching - and it is with this sentiment that my faulty oath to end my life by February were I not to change, comes to mind.
So, it is within this dreary and worn Christmas season that I have decided to conduct a self evaluation:
Ranging from 3-6 months ago may have been when I decided on something like this, but the idea may have stemmed from a few years prior.
During this general period, I was a weak, timid boy, with no clear directions or convictions, and had allowed others to step all over him to avoid unwanted conflict. He was a boy that feigned cynicism to hide his hopelessly romantic sentiments, and pined for an unachievable affection in his dreams, in the form of something named 'X'.
He attempted to fool himself that he was content, in the same way that Musashi was, in order to ignore his festering fear of being insignificant and dying alone. He wanted to be remembered, but he lacked the courage nor tenacity to give - to contribute to his family, friends, or the world as a whole.
The idea was that on February 9th, I would end this farce, were I not to change.
So, I shall now reflect on my current self to check this condition:
Yes, I have started a sort of creative endeavour - a long, illustrated story designed to appeal to a certain crowd, hiding a sentimental sort of regret. This may be subject to celebration, but I must assure it is not - its continuous creation had melded into my life to a point that I now usei t as an excuse to avoid the things I have always feared. Despite what should be stimulating my mind, I am still largely inavctive, yet restless - I am yearning for platonic and romantic affection, yet I fear the consequences of pursuing them.
In the end, I am the same timid, weak, loathesome, judgemental, indeisive, cowardly, lazy, fatigued, pathetic boy I had always been since birth.
I have a strong feeling that on February 9th, a feeble unrecognisable star will disappear.
