You Don't Know What It's Like to be Me.
You can't understand the pain of losing a father at such a young age
And not feeling that hole in your chest like everybody else
Because you were just too young to feel
And the next thing you know, you're filled with guilt
Of not remembering his voice, his charisma as a person
Even his face is a fading silhouette.
You don't know the guilt of not knowing your parents' anniversary
Or even the story of how they've met
Because you were too young to ask before dad died
And now you just don't want mum to get upset
Since she remarried a man you'd barely call a father
So you thought she'd want to avoid talking about her late husband.
You don't know the hate and the betrayal
When your mum brought someone else into the family
And the fact that she didn't tell you beforehand
The only thing that helped was a little heads up from your brother
Which gave you some time to think
And let the fact that she married another man sink in.
You don't know the energy it took to fake some decency
When you first met your step father who shouldn't have been in the picture
Whom you tried so hard to appreciate
Because he does take care of mum when her children are away
But other than that, he isn't your father, he barely feels like a step father
He's just the man mum chose to marry.
You don't know what it's like to love your mother like nothing else
But, hell, doesn't she get on your goddamn nerve?
It's a bit fucked up cause you love her because she is your mother
But that is all she is
She's not your best friend, the one you'd tell everything to
She's not your crying shoulder, the one you'd turn to.
You don't get the guilt of loving your mother so much
But you still hate her for not being understanding
You can't talk to her about almost anything
She doesn't even know what you're doing on your phone
Or you favourite band, favourite tv show or your favourite song
Your taste in everything is so goddamn different
So what do you even talk about?
You don't know how it feels to live in an empty home
Not because you are left alone
But because it's filled with people who are bound by blood
But still not a single word is exchanged between the souls
It's a home filled with strangers, stumbling into each other
Only to crawl back into each one's cave.
You don't know how unsatisfying it is to eat all by yourself
In the kitchen, in the living room, or even the bedroom
Because you never really eat at the same time
Or do anything together anymore, really
But when you do, you repel each other's existence
Dreading the moment you'll be alone again.
You don't know how lonely it is to spend all day on the internet
Because there's no one to talk to at home
You try and you try to fill in that hole
But you're limited by the timezone
You found friends from across the world
And you wonder "why aren't they here?"
You don't understand how comical it is
To love people from school but barely keeping in touch with them
Because you thought you'd be bothering their time with their family
Not everyone has the same sad life as you do, you know?
So you're stuck there between strangers whose names you know.
You don't know what it's like to love someone you can't have
But you'd bare the pain as long as they stay
And you hold on to them so fucking tight
Cause you're constantly afraid of losing that light
When the only one whom you trust enough with everything is so damn far away
You learn to live with the pain everyday.
You don't know how deep you have to dig in to acknowledge all of these feelings
Because you're always afraid to complain about things so personal
And when you do, all you feel is guilt cause many people have it worse
But one day of self pity can't be that bad, right?
Despite everything, I hope you will never feel these things that killed me.
People say it's gonna be okay
And it will
I'll be okay
Right?
Sincerely,
me.
