One hour after midnight, he came knocking at my door and proposed to me with this amazing idea of having a night walk. So I grabbed my phone and when I was about to change into something warmer (because it was early January and the whole city was practically covered in snow),
"Oh, shit. I forgot my sweater, must've left it at the hotel." I said.
He chuckled at it and went to get me something to keep me warm. I waited for him in the living room, sitting in the couch where we sat about two hours ago watching some chick flick movies on mute while we talked about nothing and everything.
"Here." He said, holding out a grey sweater, one that I'd seen once too many times in pictures of him throughout the years.
So I gave him a questioning look. "Are you sure? Isn't it like, your favourite sweater?"
Taken aback by the question, he raised an eyebrow. "Yes and yes. Just take it if you don't want to get hypothermia tonight."
Shrugging it off, I took it.
We had some long walks, of course. From the bookstore which was opened 24/7 (bless the owner), to a small coffee shop where we had cappuccino and black coffee while talking about the snow. He hated the weather, always had but still couldn't help but admire its beauty. And as for me? I love everything there is to it.
Before we knew it, it was 3 a.m., or maybe 4. I didn't know, I lost track of time awhile back ago. But truth be told (as cheesy as this might sound), every second I spent with him felt like an infinity, timeless. We were walking on London Bridge, surrounded by the night lights and the silence of the city, humming a song that we heard at the café – Say You Won't Let Go by James Arthur.
"It's a good song, you know?" I started. "I really love it. More or less a song I'd love my man to propose me with."
He stopped and looked at me with that dimpled smile of his. "Yeah?"
I nodded.
"Well, if that's so... I met you in the dark, you lit me up." He sang and I couldn't resist the smile that was coming.
Still smiling, I shook my head lightly. "Ha. Ha. Very funny."
He stopped singing and smiled, but the smile vanished as soon as it appeared. His face was suddenly serious and his eyes darkened. "Do you love me?" He asked, his voice trembling.
I staggered backward a little as his question registered in my head. Funny because that was the question I'd been asking myself for the past months. But I played it cool, I just had to.
"Well, duh. You're my friend." I said cheerfully before my voice suddenly dropped a few octaves. "One of the best ones I've ever had. So of course I love you."
"No, I mean, as more than friends. Do you love me?"
I turned my head away, unable to look at him in the eyes – those gorgeous green eyes, ugh! What do I even say? Yes? No? Man, I didn't even know the answer.
Seeing how defensive I was being, he then continued. "Honestly, what do you see me as? Am I just a friend, or am I more than that?"
"I spent the night at your place, I'm wearing your favourite sweater, and now why don't you tell me what does this make us?"
"I- I don't know."
"'You don't know', of course. Of fucking course!" I snapped as I waved my hands around exasperatedly, overwhelmed by the feeling that was starting to suffocate me. "Hell, I don't know." I said, looking at him with teary eyes. "To be very, very honest with you, I don't know either. I don't know what I see you as, and that- it scares me. From the very beginning, two years ago, it's been messing with my head, you know? You've been messing with my head.
"Gosh, you know, you know how much of a guarded person I was. You know, as a matter of fact, how I don't like showing my emotions to people. I used to see it as a sign of weakness. But you, you came into my life and changed that. You changed me. You made me believe that it is okay to cry, to let down my guards, to show my true colours. You make me believe that the world is not as bad as it seems. You make me believe that there are others like me. You make me believe that there's someone out there who would understand me, who would stay through my thick and thin, when I'm at my best and even at my goddamned lowest. And that someone is you! You make me believe in you!
"And that scares me. It scares me how fast I put my trust in you, do you know that?"
I was panting, catching my breath as I finished my rant. Sure, it felt good to let it all out but by God, the suspense I felt while waiting for his response was bloody nerve-wrecking. He was looking at me wide-eyed as if he was trying to get a grip on reality. And when he did, he started to let things out himself.
"I know, I know that. Because I felt all that too. I was afraid, too, you know? I've had my trust issues and I suppose that you know that and you know the reason behind it. I live in a world where people would deceive and pretend and lie to get what they want. I was afraid of getting hurt too. So when I first talked to you, I knew I had to be careful but I was terrified. I needed help that night, I knew that but at the same time I was hell-bent terrified.
"But I thanked my lucky star that I stumbled upon you. Out of all people who were there that night, I met you. You gave me what I needed – a pair of ears that listen and a heart that understands. And it scares me how much I started to care about you. I care about you a lot. You know how worried I was when you said you'd been having bad thoughts, don't you? And I reckon that I care about you a little too much for someone who I'd call a 'friend'. So I don't know. I don't know what I see you as now. Gosh, this is confusing me as much as it confuses you."
"Do you love me?" I asked him the same question he did and his response was the same – silence.
Sighing heavily, I then said "We should go back to your place now,"
His response was nothing but a simple nod. So that was the end of the conversation.
We walked to his house in complete silence, neither of us dared to speak in fear of making tonight's argument worse than it already was. So when we got there, we went to our rooms.
"Goodnight." I whispered just above my breath, not expecting him to hear it, let alone respond.
But he did. "Night. Sleep well."
I'll try.
Throwing myself onto the bed, I put my earphones on and put my playlist on shuffle. The first song to play was Let It Go by James Bay. Oh, jolly good, I thought.
When the song came to the chorus, I let out a bitter laugh. I once told a person to let it go, to let me go because things were starting to get weird between us. She sort of 'changed' me into someone else (?) and I didn't mean it in a good way. And she was turning into someone else too. Heck, I didn't even know if she was genuine. For all I know, she was not.
But things were one hundred percent different with him. I knew that he was genuine. Call me crazy but I just somehow happened to know that he was. And the things that happened after we met, the changes, they were all for the better. I changed for better because of him. Somehow, I became more mature, more awake and more aware of the world around me. I felt the world differently and that feeling, it was downright beautiful.
I couldn't let go of him and I didn't want him to let go of me. God knows how broken I'd be if whatever the thing it was we had between us was gone, was no more. I couldn't go on without him, not without having tons of breakdowns. I was not that strong.
By the time the realization hit me like a truck on full speed, I heard soft knockings on my door. I wiped the tears and reluctantly dragged my feet out of bed. Taking a deep breath, I twisted the knob and opened the door to reveal none-other than the man himself.
He has red eyes and puffy nose but the dimpled smile that I fell for was still playing on his lips.
With shaky voice, he said, "My answer is 'yes'. I love you. No, screw that. I'm in love with you and I know that now."
-Nik.
