What Can I Do

Chapter 20 ~I tell my heart not to break but it always does anyways

Wonpil was walking home from school when he heard a voice calling his name over his shoulder.

He hadn't seen Sungjin all day, Wonpil making an effort to avoid the other boy at all costs, although it hurt even trying to stay away from his best friend. But the pain hurt more being reminded that Sungjin did not feel the same way about him, so he forced himself to stop seeking him out. Several times throughout the day, Sungjin made eye contact with him and looked like he wanted to talk to him, but Wonpil avoided him like the plague. Just seeing the other boy already made his chest ache.

"Wonpil!" Sungjin shouted as he ran to catch up with the boy who was walking with his head down.

Wonpil quickened his pace, clutching the books in his arms tightly, as he ignored the tightening in his chest as well.

"Wonpil!" The other boy said as he caught Wonpil's shoulder, turning him around.

"Sungjin." Wonpil breathed, already feeling his emotions going awry in the presence of the other boy.

"Hey! Where have you been the entire day? I have something really important I want to tell you and I've tried talking to you all day but you seemed like you were avoiding me."

Wonpil could feel his resolve begin to crumble under Sungjin's big eyes that were staring at him, slightly upset.

"I'm sorry. I'm very busy right now."

"Too busy to listen to me for ten minutes?" Sungjin asked, sounding hurt.

That was when Wonpil really looked at him that he saw the dark circles under his eyes and the puffiness that could only be from crying. Wonpil momentarily forgot himself and gave in to Sungjin's requests, his resolve weakening at seeing Sungjin look so worn out.

"On Friday, Haru threw a birthday party." Sungjin began, and Wonpil realized how bad of an idea this was as his heart had already begun to ache at the mention of the girl Sungjin loved. He didn't like where this was going and he wondered how he was going to listen through this and act like he didn't care when his entire body was revolting at the thought of Sungjin with someone else.

"And I thought it was a good time to confess... Wonpil..." he said, sounding so heartbroken, Wonpil's chest ached. "She said she never saw me that way. I was only her friend. She loves someone else. She's been avoiding me all day. Wonpil... It hurts so much."

Wonpil stopped and looked at Sungjin blankly, his face contorted into slight pain and the ball in Wonpil's chest inflated.

After weeks of ignoring Wonpil and pushing him aside to talk to Haru, the minute he gets rejected he comes running back to Wonpil. After weeks of Wonpil waiting and waiting for Sungjin to return to him, to be his friend, to acknowledge him, he only does so to tell Wonpil about Haru. After Wonpil stood in the rain for an hour, thinking Sungjin would remember to at least text him he couldn't make it, he left heartbroken and disappointed.

The ball in Wonpil's chest inflated until there was no more room pushing against his throbbing heart and it exploded.

"It hurts? It hurts?" Wonpil asked almost hysterical, pushing his way into Sungjin's space, startling the other boy into taking a few steps back.

"It hurts that the girl you've been pining after for weeks, maybe years, said she does not have feelings for you? It's time to grow up Sungjin! People get hurt, they don't love you back, it's just the way the world works!" Wonpil said, raising his voice with each line.

Sungjin widened his eyes, staring at Wonpil in shock. "Wonpil, why are you saying this? You're my friend, you should know how much it hurts."

Wonpil eyes watered with anger. "Yes, hyung. I know very well how much it hurts, considering I've been in love with you for 4 years!" he yelled. "I've had to listen to you talk about Haru, how perfect she is. Watch you pine after her, all while you ignore me for her, leave me waiting to walk home with you, even though you already left to walk with her. Never calling me, never even trying to reach out to me, never seeing me." Wonpil took a deep breath, so he wouldn't sob all over again in front of Sungjin.

"So yes, hyung, I know how much it hurts." He gritted.

Sungjin looked dumfounded, staring at Wonpil with his mouth slightly parted. "Wonpil, you what?" he asked, sounding strangled.

Wonpil's anger deflated just as fast as it came, feeling resigned more than anything. He knew his feelings towards Sungjin were hopeless; a wishful dream, like a child waiting up on Christmas for Santa even when he knows he's not real. Still wishing and hoping something can prove him wrong.

"I know, you've never going to see me like that. There's no need to tell me." Wonpil muttered. "I just wish you would have treated me like a friend, if nothing else." With that, he turned and walked away, wishing Sungjin would rush over and contradict what he was saying.

Wonpil hoped that he would pull him back and chase after him, if only because he didn't want to lose their friendship. That Sungjin would grab his arm and whisper that he was wrong. But he just let Wonpil walk away, staring dumbly at his retreating back.

This is better. Now I can move on. Wonpil whispered to his heart, willing himself to believe it. His heart, however, didn't listen and continued breaking with each step he took.

~~