The Statement

@Tiny0678

@Project_Change: Thank you so much @Tiny0678 for sending us this great testimony!

"See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled"

Hebrews 12:15I was raised in church. I grew up hearing how wonderful God's love is. I also grew up hearing how the devil came to kill and destroy. People tend to avoid talking about the devil as much as they can. Well I'm going to tell you how he almost managed to destroy and kill me. If it wasn't for God's forgiveness and immense love I would've still been lost, angry, hurt, and praying for my life to end. At the age of ten, my mom told me that my dad was really my step dad. She explained that my "real dad" wasn't really around much, and eventually stopped trying. Later on I found out he had helped raise my nephews (who were the same age as me) but didn't stick around for me. I still tried to have him be in my life; he didn't really made much of an effort, so I gave up. That's where it all started. I continued living life thinking "If my own dad don't want me. Nobody else will".

Meanwhile I felt rejected by my "dad"; I was always being rejected in school. I was bullied by one person. That one person suddenly become the whole school. The bullying got so bad I started to develop social anxiety and depression. Me being desperate to fit in and stop getting bullied, I slowly started to turn my back on God. Little by little I walked away from God. I did everything and anything to fit in. I wanted someone to accept me. My attitude changed, my clothes got tighter, even my way to speak changed. In every sentence, I spoke there was at least one curse word. Even though I tried to fit in, and even completely changed who I was; I never felt like I belonged. The bullying never stopped.I almost got molested two times, by someone who I considered really important in my life.

I was pretty much fed up. At this point I didn't care if I didn't fit in. I just wanted to be happy again. I looked for happiness in friendships, relationships, everywhere. One day I met this guy. He showed me how to reliever stress and get rid of anger through cutting. It started on my wrist but then I got caught. They threatened to take me away and put me in crisis multiple times. Not wanting my little siblings to see me get taken away; I stopped cutting my wrist. I started cutting my thighs, And legs. I would even cut my fingers in way that looked as if it was an accident. I wanted to die. Mostly I wanted the voices in my head to go away. The voices who repeatedly told me how worthless and pathetic I was. They told me that nobody would miss me if I died, that I should just hurry up and do it. Eventually I started jumping into traffic hoping to get hit. I started smoking, stopped going to school, and got myself a secret girlfriend (while still having a boy friend). I kissed my best friend. I hopped relationship to relationship. Literally had someone new every other week. I sinned with no remorse, while still going to church. I was hurt and I was angry at everything and everyone one, including God. I was mad that it seemed he abandoned me every time I needed him. I was hurt that he let my "dad" leave me. I was angry that he had let me go through all of what I had to go through.

What I didn't know was that my mom prayed for me every night. I didn't know that God was with me every step of the way, protecting me from everything. He even protected me from myself. I also didn't know that he was going to use my mom to show me that he hadn't deserted me. Almost every night this last two years God used my mom. Little by little I stopped cutting. Little by little I stopped being angry. Little by little I started understanding that I had to go through all that bad stuff, in order for me to grow and truly see how powerful my God is. I had to go through all of that to understand that God will never obandon us. Eventually I understood that if no one else cared or loved me, God always will. No matter what it is that we have done, God will be there waiting for us with open arms. He got me to understand that I wasn't worthless. That I'm alive for a reason. If he saved me, even when I no longer wanted to be saved. He can do the same for you.